When we started our adoption journey, someone told me to remember that while adoption cures childlessness, it doesn't cure infertility. I used this quote a few posts back and have been reminded of its truth especially in the face of Prince George's birth. I write this open letter somewhat nervously, wondering if I'm the only one feeling this way, but prompted (divinely?) to put it out there all the same.
After the Dutchess of Cambridge introduced her baby son to the world in a blue dress that revealed her postpartum curves underneath, the world was aflame with comments. The best of those comments came from a myriad of bloggers praising Kate for being unashamed of her swollen belly, thereby giving permission to mothers all over the world to love their mama-shaped bodies.
It was a good thing and a good response.
But if you're an infertility struggling woman like me, it was a hard thing. It was a hard thing to see and a hard response to hear because we would die for something like that, wouldn't we? For the bulging belly, the swollen breasts, and even the achey crotch.... for the gift of a baby, born from our bodies, we would gladly embrace it all.
We would also love to have such a beautiful reason for the changes we've seen in our bodies. Whether it's from the fertility meds, the hormone injections, the adoption stress eating, or the no-time-to-exercise-because-appointments-and-paper-work-are-filling-up-all-my-spare-time-ness, we've gained extra poundage and seen our bodies change too. Our faces bare the lines of stress and our hearts are suffering from the loss of hope that comes from months and months and years and years of trying. As we wade through the hormones and the weight and all those uneasy emotions, we look at Kate's protruding new pouch with longing.
When we hear young mothers sigh about their soft bodies, we wage an internal war between sympathy and sorrow. We validate the insecurities of our sisters in the face of a harsh culture that's over concerned with slimness while we push down our envy and desire to scream you don't know how lucky you are! We turn off the royal baby news, close our magazines, log off our facebook accounts, and we cry. We pray for comfort and we shake our fists at the heavens. We search for inner peace and wage battles in our longing hearts. We reflect upon our blessings and we struggle because we still want more.
We want that belly filled with life. We want to feel kicks from the insides and our bodies contract and release in labour. We want to hear that guttural womanly groan rise from our throats as we cope with the pain. We want to feel our child slip, warm and wet, from our bodies. We want to nurse an infant at our breast. We want those purple, red, or pink stretch lines to mark our bodies forever, commemorating the life we brought into the world.
Our desires for pregnancy and birth run deep. They are almost instinctual. All of together on this infertility journey are longing for the days when new life blossoms and grows within us. Maybe even more desperately, many of us are trying to figure out how we will cope if it never does. We are all searching for peace on this journey.
The tidal wave of royal baby news is almost over, thank goodness. However I know as much as you that even as that last frothy whitecap of news laps onto the shore and you've finally caught your breath, another wave from another source will come crashing. If any good has come from these last few days, it's that all this post-partum talk has left me scrambling for higher ground. There is no wishing, no avoiding, no pretending, and no positive thinking that will be enough to buoy me up in the sea. There is only diving love and comfort to keep me, and you, afloat and thank God is is never-ending
I'm praying for all of us this one small verse:
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
 |
| Original image by flickr user Daquella Manera |
After the Dutchess of Cambridge introduced her baby son to the world in a blue dress that revealed her postpartum curves underneath, the world was aflame with comments. The best of those comments came from a myriad of bloggers praising Kate for being unashamed of her swollen belly, thereby giving permission to mothers all over the world to love their mama-shaped bodies.
It was a good thing and a good response.
But if you're an infertility struggling woman like me, it was a hard thing. It was a hard thing to see and a hard response to hear because we would die for something like that, wouldn't we? For the bulging belly, the swollen breasts, and even the achey crotch.... for the gift of a baby, born from our bodies, we would gladly embrace it all.
We would also love to have such a beautiful reason for the changes we've seen in our bodies. Whether it's from the fertility meds, the hormone injections, the adoption stress eating, or the no-time-to-exercise-because-appointments-and-paper-work-are-filling-up-all-my-spare-time-ness, we've gained extra poundage and seen our bodies change too. Our faces bare the lines of stress and our hearts are suffering from the loss of hope that comes from months and months and years and years of trying. As we wade through the hormones and the weight and all those uneasy emotions, we look at Kate's protruding new pouch with longing.
When we hear young mothers sigh about their soft bodies, we wage an internal war between sympathy and sorrow. We validate the insecurities of our sisters in the face of a harsh culture that's over concerned with slimness while we push down our envy and desire to scream you don't know how lucky you are! We turn off the royal baby news, close our magazines, log off our facebook accounts, and we cry. We pray for comfort and we shake our fists at the heavens. We search for inner peace and wage battles in our longing hearts. We reflect upon our blessings and we struggle because we still want more.
We want that belly filled with life. We want to feel kicks from the insides and our bodies contract and release in labour. We want to hear that guttural womanly groan rise from our throats as we cope with the pain. We want to feel our child slip, warm and wet, from our bodies. We want to nurse an infant at our breast. We want those purple, red, or pink stretch lines to mark our bodies forever, commemorating the life we brought into the world.
Our desires for pregnancy and birth run deep. They are almost instinctual. All of together on this infertility journey are longing for the days when new life blossoms and grows within us. Maybe even more desperately, many of us are trying to figure out how we will cope if it never does. We are all searching for peace on this journey.
The tidal wave of royal baby news is almost over, thank goodness. However I know as much as you that even as that last frothy whitecap of news laps onto the shore and you've finally caught your breath, another wave from another source will come crashing. If any good has come from these last few days, it's that all this post-partum talk has left me scrambling for higher ground. There is no wishing, no avoiding, no pretending, and no positive thinking that will be enough to buoy me up in the sea. There is only diving love and comfort to keep me, and you, afloat and thank God is is never-ending
I'm praying for all of us this one small verse:
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
From that high rock, dear sister, I hold out my hand to you.
xo
This is beautiful! I feel like I could have written many of those words - you're not alone! Praying for you too!
ReplyDeleteThat's the best Ashley; thank you for the encouragement and the prayers!
DeleteI found your blog through Pinterest and have followed your adoption journey from the "metcha day". What a joy it is to see that smile on Arie's face as he has found his forever family. Praise God! I have been in your shoes...longing to feel what it is to carry and birth a child. No one quite understands infertility unless they have lived it. You are handling these unpleasant times with much grace! Many blessings from Alabama!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for checking out my blog and following our journey and thank you even more for this wonderful comment. It means so much to me to hear that you think I'm handling it with grace. Thank you!!
DeleteJill, you nailed it again! It's so nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles to reconcile my desires with God's plans for my life. I don't expect the desire for a bio baby to ever leave me, but I hope that God gives me special grace to accept it if He never gives me my wish. Keep up the great attitude & writing! Crystal
ReplyDeleteThank you Crystal! You said it so well- we pray for both the desires of our hearts and that special grace to accept another path, if that is His will for our lives. xoxo
DeleteAs a mother who has birthed a child but watched so many of my friends struggle with infertility, this letter speaks volumes to me. I always get so upset at people that ask them when they're going to have a baby or say "aren't you lucky to not be dealing with all those pregnancy issues." If only we could get the world to read this letter and UNDERSTAND the longing many women have! You are definitely not alone in this and I give you credit for being so open about it! Thanks for writing!
ReplyDeleteJenna THANK YOU for being so compassionate to your friends!! It means so much. Your friends are lucky to have you. I admire your positive outlook on life. Thank you for commenting!
DeleteThis was beautifully written. Thanks so much for posting it.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful. Your words are so many of our lives put right in front of us. I, as so many others, feel like this daily when I look at facebook posts, listen to coworker's stories/complaints, and spend time with friends with new babies. Your story gives each of us the hope that there will be a happily-ever-after in our journeys. Thank you for your beautiful words.
ReplyDeleteThank you! Sometimes the new babies and glowing mothers to be (or complaining ones) leave our hearts in despair. It feels like the news, magazines, friends on facebook, and even God are mocking us. I myself have been wrestling with why I still desire a to have a biological child so badly even when I am excited beyond words about pursuing adoption (we plan to expand our family by adoption even if we manage to have biological children). The sadness and excitement are strange feelings side by side. Your recent posts have really helped me work out why I'm feeling this way.
ReplyDeleteTY so much. This was a Jesus reminder for me."lead me to the rock that is higher than I" I needed this today.
ReplyDeleteThank you. Thank you. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you!!! You've expressed everything I feel! I know God wanted me to read this! Your such a blessing to us all!
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that I stumbled across your blog! We are currently waiting for our finished home study and yes, seeing my friends that recently had babies make the knot grow in my throat.
ReplyDelete