11/10/15

Twin pregnancy: week 11 in review

How far along? 12 weeks today! I'm either done my first trimester or I'm in the last week of it... the internet is unclear about that. What say you readers?

Weight gain: I'm up to 147 which means I gained a pound this week. Total gain is now 9lbs.

How are you feeling? Unfortunately worse than last week. To borrow and revise a line from Psalm 88: "Nausea is my closest friend." I asked a bunch of twin moms when their nausea subsided and most said somewhere between 13-20 weeks. So I *could* be close to feeling better! I also could be far away. I'm staying positive and believing I'll soon feel some relief. In either case every day is one day closer to feeling better... right?! ;-)

I know I write this every post but it bears repeating: I would trade pregnancy nausea in a HEARTBEAT for infertility. Yes is SUCKS and yes I've cried over the frustration of now 7 weeks of constant nausea (mostly about having to cancel doing so many things I wish I could do but just don't feel up for) but compared to the pain of infertility? Oh heavens. I'd take this over that any day!  

Noteworthy moments: John and I like to do this thing where we hug and kiss (peck) in front of Arie. Usually we are standing in the kitchen and Arie is at the table. I remember when my mom used to rub my dad's back and kiss his cheek exclaiming, "I love this man!"we kids we would be all, "YOU GUYS STOP!" but secretly inside we relished seeing our parents in love. Even before we were married, John and I talked about wanting to be affectionate in front of our kids to give them that same sense of warmth and security. Last week we were hugging and Arie was giggling at us like he usually does when John exclaimed, "Hey I can feel your belly!"

It felt like a milestone! My belly is still small but protruding enough that John could feel it as we hugged! Arie ran over to us wanting to see and feel. The next day he was watching me work in the kitchen again and said, "I can see your belly Mom! I'm going to call you 'pregnant mama' now!" It just all feels so special.

Get a little spiritual: This might get a little intense. Prepare thyself.

One feeling I am experiencing this pregnancy that I did not have at all when we were in the process of adopting Arie is this huge weightiness of what it means to bring a child (or, in my case, children) into the world. Not in the practical sense of "How am I going to provide for these babies?" but in a rather heart-wrenching way of "What kind of world am I bringing these children into?"

I'll listen to the news and hear about wars, about refugees, about disease, about abuse, about death and have these thoughts like, "Oh my God. This is the world I'm bringing life into?!" Then I think about all the suffering my loved ones have experienced... and I have experienced... and that my children will experience... and it gets a little dark.

Now I realize since I believe that life begins at conception these two babies were, in reality, already in the world before I became pregnant with them. My brains knows that. My heart still struggles.

Two weeks ago I had a bit of an ugly cry when I saw this quote from Frederick Buechner on my Facebook feed:

"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen.
Don't be afraid." 
I read that quote and immediately visualized holding my babies in the hospital, welcoming them into the world with these words. They reminded me of one of my favorite verses from scripture where Jesus says, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).

I shared the post on my Facebook page and somehow started to feel better about my whole "What kind of world am I bringing these children into!?" fear.

As so often happens to me this gentle sense of, "It's going to be okay." was solidly affirmed a few days later at a church event where we sang one of my all-time favorite hymns This is my Father's World. 

There's a line in the third verse that I've honestly never been able to sing without a crack in my voice:

This is my Father's world
Oh let me not forget
that though the wrong seems oft' so strong
God is the ruler yet! 

The wrong DOES seem oft' so strong, doesn't it? It means so much to me that this song doesn't deny that reality. BUT indeed God is the ruler yet! He has not left us in our suffering. He is here with us and he promises that he is in the process of making- as the song says- heaven and earth ONE.

Today when that, "Oh my God. What kind of world am I bringing these babies into?" fear creeps up like bile in my throat, I swallow hard and boldly proclaim, "This is my Father's world!"

Bump shot: 
12 weeks pregnant with twins!
Thanks for reading! xo

18 comments:

  1. Hate to break it, but you've got at least a week left (from medicine's perspective) before trimester two. "Full term" is forty completed weeks, thirteen completed weeks gets you into second, twenty six completed weeks into third. With eleven weeks behind you, still have a couple to go. Twins often come early but don't develop differently, gestational age milestones all at the same spot.

    I currently have an almost-eight-month old, and while I didn't have the "How can I bring an innocent life into this crazy world?!?" while pregnant, I have since she was born. The refugee crisis hit my awareness harder than it otherwise would have. Political crazy (healthcare, women's issues -- I'm a doctor, with a daughter) has me reeling when in the past I'd ostrich. That same hymn had taken on vast new meaning.


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    1. What a gift that hymn is to those of us left reeling in the face of suffering. Thank you for sharing Katie.

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    2. When I have birth to my twins, 32yrs ago, I was told that 38 weeks was considered full term for a multiple birth. My girls were born at 37-1/2 weeks. 6lbs and 6.4

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  2. LOOKIT THAT BELLY! Oh, Jill, I am so happy for you and your family. I feel so close to you from reading your thoughts and prayers and joining in them with you. We live in Minnesota but are coming to your neck of the woods for our family's Christmas on Sunday, December 20th. I'm not sure if I can get away, but I would love to meet you and give you a giant heart-happy hug. I'm Sara Hogan's friend, so maybe she can vouch for me that I'm not too much of a freak.

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    1. lol! "Not too much of a freak." If you have a chance come check out our church on Sunday morning! Watershed Service at Harderwyk Ministries!

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    2. I can certainly vouch for the fact that Blaine Turk's most freakish qualities are her insane love for people and enthusiastic hugs. Happy to join you @ Watershed that morning if you go, BT!

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    3. Ohmyword. We might just see you there! I'll let you know Shogan!

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  3. Samantha Baumann11/10/2015

    Thank You for this post! I OFTEN struggle with fear raising such sweet, precious gifts in a world like this one. You brought me peace with your reminder, this is our FATHER'S WORLD. Thanks, Jill! PS- LOOOOOOOOOOVE the baby (s) bump!!

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    1. <3 Lovely comment. thank you Samantha!

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  4. I would also have those moments during my pregnancies. But then I would flip it. Yes, I am bringing children into this world. Children that I can raise with love and compassion and drive to make the world better. My babies will go into the world armed with the love of Christ to make it a better world than it currently is.

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    1. Yes that is my prayer for my children as well! That they make the world a better place.

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  5. The "what world is this" fear is certainly real. I love that hymn and take comfort in it as well. I also take comfort in this saying, "In the end, everything will be okay. If its not okay, its not the end." The many days and nights I've spent battling spiritual demons and nightmares and fears is often quelled by this thought. We know the end of the story; we know who wins the battle for He has already won. For me, this saying also reminds me that things may not be perfect and wonderful right now, and it can be frustrating and terrifying and scary. But in the end, everything will be okay.
    Praying for you continually.

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    1. Yes we know the end of the story! What a gift. Thank you for those prayers Kate!

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  6. I honestly teared up at your belly shot. I have longed for this for you for so long. I'm just so happy for you.

    Oh and I always rounded up for the trimesters- so 14 started 2nd and 28 started 3rd. But I don't think it really matters :)

    Also, I was puking with Mabel through week 21 and she was just a singleton. Soooo. Good luck with that. I feel for you totally!!

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    1. Oh blerg! Brutal. Well, one day at a time right! Did you just wake up one day and not feel sick anymore?

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  7. I was nauseous from week 8 until I delivered my girls at 31weeks. The actual sickness part was every morning from week 10 to week 26 but at least it was nice enough to end at 7:30 every morning so I could go to work. I was still nauseous all day but at least I could keep food in. Protein helped more than anything.

    Congratulations by the way. I remember how hard it was to adjust from infertility world to pregnancy world. So exciting and a little terrifying at the same time.

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  8. Through my pregnancies, I often thought about how scary it was to bring a child into this world... But I focused on how raising our children to be courageous God fearing adults is what gives hope for the future. It would be a scarier place without our children in it! :)

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  9. I have been reading your blog since before Arie was stateside, and my heart has been full these past few weeks with the wonderful news of your pregnancy. I know we don't know one another, but from one mama to another, I have been praying for you and am excited for these precious additions to your blessed family.

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