4/9/15

Update after miscarriage

It has been almost a month since our loss. We are still processing. The past few weeks have been very painful. Those of you who have been here know how excruciating it is, how impossible to describe.

Over Easter weekend we took this family picture. I look upon it with so much gratitude. Here are my greatest blessings: my husband and my son. I praise the Giver of all good things for them. Nothing can diminish the joy I feel when I look upon them.


Yet I also look at this picture with sadness. How many times have we posed together as three, wishing to be more? How many years will continue to pass before my son becomes a brother? Before my husband gives his name to another child? Before I feel for myself the blessed joy of life inside? Having lost four precious embryos, I pose for these pictures haunted by the children who should be there.


I follow an infertility support organization called Resolve on facebook and they posted this chilling quote:

"The best way I can describe infertility is to ask a parent to imagine a world in which their child did not exist. I live that reality every day." 
- Anonymous. 

I read that quote and sighed deeply while nodding my head. Yes. That's what it feels like. Then I read this comment from another facebook user: 

"As someone who has gone through infertility and been fortunate enough to have a child, I have to say that simply imagining she didn't exist does not even begin to describe the torture that is infertility." - Emily Marx 

Yes. 

Prolonged infertility and loss bores holes into your heart where your children should be and fills them with such grief, you cannot "even begin to describe."

In the face of such pain I have turned to the only place I know to go: to the arms of my Savior. I have asked him to show me his love, his mercy, his favor. I continue to ask him for the gift of a child by birth. For the deep desire of my heart. 

Over the past month as I have continued to bring my long unanswered prayer before the Lord, I have felt a growing desire to be quiet before him. While blogging has been nothing but a gift to me over the past few years, it requires me me to be in constant interpretation of my life. To be constantly looking for God's hand upon me. To testify to his presence and purpose in my life. 

Here's the honest truth: I can't see it right now. I have faith that it is there- his presence and purpose- that is will be revealed, that I will be able to testify to God's goodness during this season in my life...  someday. But right now, I can't. Right now I am in too much pain to do it. 

So I am going to quiet myself before the Lord and wait on him. Hear me: we are moving forward with more treatment: I'm having another surgery, we're looking for more embryos, we're trying a new transfer technique. We are not giving up. But I need to quiet myself even in our trying; to take time to let the truth of his love settle deep into my heart and to get a little farther along in this journey before I try to interpret it. 

Someday I trust will have reason to testify to what the Lord has done in this season of my life.  For now, I am surrendering to the mystery and simply waiting for that day. 

"The LORD will fight for you. You need only be still." Exodus 14:14

"Be still in the presence of the LORD and wait patiently for him to act." - Psalm 37:7

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 

"Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to mutter anything before God. God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few." - Ecclesiastes 5:2

"Humble yourselves before the LORD and he will lift you up." James 4:10 

Until that day, you can keep up with my on facebook and instagram where I will continue to post. I also have twitter which I use... sometimes. ;-)  

Thank you so much for your readership over the past few years. I look forward to the day when I can write again and say with the Psalmist, "Come and see what God has done! What awesome miracles he performs for his people!" - Psalm 66:5. 

Please join me in waiting quietly, but with expectation because we know in all things he is good. 

xo

19 comments:

  1. May God meet you powerfully in the quiet and assure you of His still small voice, His presence, His love, His faithfulness...Blessings from Burlington, Jacquie

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for that blessing Jacquie. Means a lot to me.

      Delete
  2. Thinking of you as you continue to wait. You're not alone! I pray the holes you feel can be filled and you will have peace until then. <3

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for those prayers Sara!

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  3. I´ll wait with you... and I´ll keep praying for you!

    "But those who wait on the Lord
    Shall renew their strength;
    They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
    They shall run and not be weary,
    They shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a perfect passage for this season in my life. Thank you.

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  4. I've been thinking of you these past few weeks. Beautiful, encouraging post.

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  5. This post reminds me of one of my favorite hymns written by a local (to Houston) Christian, Glenda Schales. I wish i could share an audio version for you, but the lyrics will have to suffice.

    Be Still
    Be still, and know that I am God, be still, my child, be still.
    For I have createdall of Life. Be still, my child, be still.

    Be still, and know that I am God, be still, my child, be still.
    Exalt My name above the earth. Be still, my child, be still.

    Be still, and know that I am God, be still, my child, be still.
    For I am watching over you, be still, my child, be still.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous4/21/2015

    Your blog is helping me through my loss thank you god bless you

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  7. Hi Jillian, I have been encouraged and blessed by your blog for several years now. You are in my thoughts and prayers often and I am so sorry for your loss. I'm not on Facebook so I sent you a direct message on Instagram and I was wondering if you got it? My username is @packyswife.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think I got it but I just checked and had to "approve" for you to send me something? Can you try again?

      Delete
  8. Jill - Wow. I just stumbled across your blog when I googled "adoption registry." Thank you for that information!
    I did a little bit of checking around and read your (In)Fertility timeline. Sweet sister, I'm so sorry. As an infertile myrtle, I get that. My husband and I started thinking about adding to our family when we first married in 2006. Come to find out, my 8-year amenorrhea was going to be a problem in getting pregnant. After a few reproductive endocrinology appointments, I was diagnosed with hypothalamic amenorrhea. Not sure what that is...but it means I can't get pregnant. We tried Clomid, but I couldn't even ovulate. Whatevs. I was brought back to Christ during this time and my hubby and I began a 5-year journey in trying and not-trying and coming to terms with being DINKS (Dual income, no kids). But, God had more for us.

    We were called to adopt (with feet dragging...who wants to start that process?!?) internationally. We started the process in September of 2012 with Ethiopia. We landed on the list the month that EVERYTHING changed! We waited and waited and waited with little to no movement. It was HARD, but God was faithful and he proved we needed the wait while he sanctified us and our marriage. We started the process with China in October and received a referral on MONDAY (five days ago!!!)!!!!!!!! I'm gonna be a mama!!! Nine years after the initial infertility diagnosis and 31 months into our adoption process. We are going to be a family of three! We are getting a 2-year old son!!!!

    My heart is with you as you continue your journey. Infertility just sucks. I can't find another way to sum it all up. 'Come on body! You had ONE job!!!???!!!' I was meant to be a mama. And you already are! May God grant your heart peace as you move forward. I have been blessed with infertility - I've found my Lord and King through this process. Infertility opened up the world of adoption to us. God has shaped me into the mama he knew I would be when he knit me in my mama's womb through infertility.

    My apologies for the long comment. I don't even know you, yet I share one of your struggles. If you ever come to the point that you decide to stop treatments, I hope you can see some of the blessings of infertility - no body parts ripped open, no sagging chest area, no labor (!), and no weight gain. Those infertility blessings are trivial when you're pregnant. However, being pregnant is a job my body will never do, so I choose to see the blessings attached with that. I'll fill my quiver another way.

    Much love to you, my sister in Christ!!!

    Tiffany Ricci
    www.ethiopiatoalaska.weebly.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jill - Wow. I just stumbled across your blog when I googled "adoption registry." Thank you for that information!
    I did a little bit of checking around and read your (In)Fertility timeline. Sweet sister, I'm so sorry. As an infertile myrtle, I get that. My husband and I started thinking about adding to our family when we first married in 2006. Come to find out, my 8-year amenorrhea was going to be a problem in getting pregnant. After a few reproductive endocrinology appointments, I was diagnosed with hypothalamic amenorrhea. Not sure what that is...but it means I can't get pregnant. We tried Clomid, but I couldn't even ovulate. Whatevs. I was brought back to Christ during this time and my hubby and I began a 5-year journey in trying and not-trying and coming to terms with being DINKS (Dual income, no kids). But, God had more for us.

    We were called to adopt (with feet dragging...who wants to start that process?!?) internationally. We started the process in September of 2012 with Ethiopia. We landed on the list the month that EVERYTHING changed! We waited and waited and waited with little to no movement. It was HARD, but God was faithful and he proved we needed the wait while he sanctified us and our marriage. We started the process with China in October and received a referral on MONDAY (five days ago!!!)!!!!!!!! I'm gonna be a mama!!! Nine years after the initial infertility diagnosis and 31 months into our adoption process. We are going to be a family of three! We are getting a 2-year old son!!!!

    My heart is with you as you continue your journey. Infertility just sucks. I can't find another way to sum it all up. 'Come on body! You had ONE job!!!???!!!' I was meant to be a mama. And you already are! May God grant your heart peace as you move forward. I have been blessed with infertility - I've found my Lord and King through this process. Infertility opened up the world of adoption to us. God has shaped me into the mama he knew I would be when he knit me in my mama's womb through infertility.

    My apologies for the long comment. I don't even know you, yet I share one of your struggles. If you ever come to the point that you decide to stop treatments, I hope you can see some of the blessings of infertility - no body parts ripped open, no sagging chest area, no labor (!), and no weight gain. Those infertility blessings are trivial when you're pregnant. However, being pregnant is a job my body will never do, so I choose to see the blessings attached with that. I'll fill my quiver another way.

    Much love to you, my sister in Christ!!!

    Tiffany Ricci
    www.ethiopiatoalaska.weebly.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. I was looking some of your older posts, and saw that you wrote articles for Bethany Christian. We are in the process of adopting with them. We are doing a domestic infant adoption and are waiting for a birthmother to choose us. I would love to talk with you, if you're willing. I found your blog through a pinterest post on fundraising. I really like your ideas!
    Shiloh

    ReplyDelete
  11. God keeps bringing you to mind and I keep praying.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous5/27/2015

    Hi Jill. :)

    I have been reading your blog for over a year now, but have never commented before. I feel called to adopt one day and stumbled on your blog quite by accident. I, personally, believe that fate had something to do with that. Your blog is beautifully written and you have truly inspired me. When you announced your loss almost three months ago I was so sad for you. I wanted you to know that no amount of time is "normal" for getting back to whatever "normal" is for you. Everyone grieves at their own pace and whatever you need to do to heal is what you should do. As a fellow writer I know that writing about whatever ails is difficult and it requires a certain amount of clarity of the situation that you may not have yet.

    Just know that you have a whole community of ladies here that think of you and pray for you. Stay strong!

    -Katie from Texas

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous6/05/2015

    Jill,

    I ran across an article on Leaning in to our Grief on Christianity Today that was written by Suzanne Burden, and her last name brought you & John to mind. (I was on the pastor search committee from Fresno). Anyways, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. My husband and I heard the words, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat," 8 weeks ago at our 20 week ultrasound. I longed for the fall (August) when my daughter would become a big sister. I don't know what to do with the shirt I bought her that said "Best Big Sister Ever." There are so many reminders... Friends that are pregnant, new babies being born, pregnant women everywhere! But my prayer is every day that I am not jealous, that I am not bitter, that I can celebrate His children when they are born. Every day is a new day, some days are sad & some days are happy. And God's mercies never fail us. I wish that being a Christian meant that we wouldn't have to endure pain. But, we do get His comfort, His strength, His peace. And like you said, Jesus suffered that pain for us, so that we wouldn't have to. We do know that He cares for us, and knows just how many heartbeats we each have.

    As you walk this road, remember that you are not forgotten. Remember that people are praying for you. That people care.

    Exodus 33:14 "My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest."
    Jeremiah 16:19 "Lord, you are my strength and my protection, my safe place in times of trouble."

    -Andrea from California

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous6/21/2015

    My wife and I have gone through two miscarriages, each with their own unique set of heart aches. You post accurately reflects the turmoil and loss that a person and family goes through, thank you for sharing. I've often gone back to this scripture as an encouragement and I'm sure you're familiar with it as well:

    Philippians 4:6 "...and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

    When going through those times, I needed a Father who would guard me and my families heart, as we for the most part, did not feel strong enough to do so. And like a faithful and loving Father, He does!

    May the Lord rest his peace upon you and your family.

    -Tim from South Dakota

    ReplyDelete

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