Often times when I read about how someone got into blogging, the story goes something like this:
Well, I started blogging to record personal memories and share with my family/friends who live far away. Then: surprise! My blog started to grow and more people than my mom began to read it.
In some ways I can relate, but in other ways I sometimes feel like my experience with blogging has been a bit backwards. I didn't start blogging for personal reasons; I started blogging so I could publicly share our adoption journey with those who were supporting us financially, emotionally, and spiritually. It's been exciting to see my readership grow slowly but surely over the years and has forced me to examine again and again what is the purpose behind this blog. I haven't blogged to fundraise for years, yet I've kept writing out of a sense of calling. A sense that God wants me to write, to share the story he's writing for me in order to be an encouragement to others. Sometimes I want to say I write to bring God glory, but truthfully I don't know if that is really the best way to say it. All the glory in the universe already belongs to him; I bring him nothing he doesn't already have, right?
Instead, I try to look at my blog in a very simple way: it is a platform on which I can share my journey of faith. Share what it looks like for one woman to wrestle with, embrace, reject, return to, and fall in love with God. So far I've mostly written about adoption, parenting, and infertility because those things have been the primary goings-on of my life since I started writing. There have been many of you who have connected with my story because of adoption, but even more of you have connected with me because of infertility. This fact surprised me. When I started writing about our infertility journey I wondered if I would loose my readership. The opposite happened, however, and it grew. There is something special about the bond between women who know what it is like to long for a child with empty arms.
Most of my readers have resolved their infertility battles in some way. But some have not. As I think about continuing to share my story through this pregnancy those women are the ones who weigh most heavily on my heart. I know what it is like to feel that pit of sadness swell up inside when another woman shares the joy of the life growing inside her. I hate to think that I would cause that wave of pain to crash over any one of you.
At the same time, I want to celebrate and cherish every moment of this precious gift I've been given. After the years of longing, I want to relish in those deferred hopes that have finally been fulfilled.
I've been thinking and praying about how I can best honor those of you who are still in the battle, still fighting to bring your child into this world. Here's what I've come up with:
I will honor you by cherishing this pregnancy. I know how it hurts to see a woman taking her pregnancy for granted. I will honor you by being mindful of the gift I have been given and by carrying it with gratitude every single day.
I will honor you by not complaining. If I share my struggles, I will do so with respect. I will not whine aimlessly about being tired, nauseated, or not being able to breathe when I have baby feet in my ribs. If I mention those things, I do so being mindful of all the women who would love to trade places with me.
I will honor you by respecting your decision to take a break from reading this blog. I am going to be sharing the joy of my pregnancy here and through my social media channels, but I will tell you as clearly as I can: if reading about my pregnancy hurts you, I completely understand if I loose your readership. I say goodbye with nothing but love and hope for you.
Finally in a very practical way I've decided that I will keep ultrasound and posed "belly shot" pictures off my primary posts on Facebook. I'll share them via this blog, twitter, and Instagram, but if I share them on Facebook I will do so by posting text and then sharing the picture in the comments. That way if you prefer not to see those pictures in your news feed, you can pass them by. For me, seeing those pictures sometimes stung so I want to respect you the same way I would want.
Tomorrow I have my first ultrasound (6 weeks). To say I have been anxious is an understatement. I have been so scared that they will not see a growing baby inside me. I think some of you must be praying for me though because yesterday I began to calm down a little and feel more peace, more hope that we will see our precious child and his or her beautiful heartbeat. I cherish your continued prayers as we walk toward this first big milestone! Thank you!
Sending lots of love and gratitude to you all for walking alongside me in this journey. I'm so thankful for you. I will continue to write and share my faith journey through this pregnancy with great gratitude for your readership!