No more chains

Walking through infertility for the past few years has felt a lot like being in chains. The dreams and future John and I had envisioned for our family were imprisoned by this invisible captor, preventing us from moving forward with out lives. I often expressed to John how "stuck" I felt in my life as we struggled to break free.

When I heard my IVF nurse deliver the words, "You're pregnant!" every shackle on my body broke open and fell the floor. I was finally free! I don't know if I can adequately express what it feels like to be free from infertility after so many years of captivity. I'm living in a mosaic of so many emotions.

The first one is shock. I'm like a prisoner squinting in the sun right outside the dungeon where he was locked up for so many years. I don't know what to do with myself. I wake up every day free and look back at my prison with disbelief. I'm pregnant I remind myself. I'm not in chains anymore. It surprises me every time I remember.

Then there's the happiness. The way my heart quickens and butterflies take flight inside each time I think about the future that awaits me. At night I dream about my belly swelling, feeling kicks inside, inviting John to put his hands on me and feel them too. I dream of that moment when I first see my baby, newly born, first place him to my breast, first place her in the cradled arms of her big brother. For so long these visions have been evanescent scenes in my mind, but with each day that passes they become more substantial. In nine months they will be real.

On the heels of that happiness comes a wave of fear. A adversary taunting me with the chains I so joyfully threw off. Remember these? I remember them. I fear them. I'm terrified to wear them again. What if we see nothing at my ultrasound next week? What if I loose this baby? What if I'm forced back into the prison of my infertility? 

Each day I experience waves of all these emotions. The happiness is of course the very best. I'm sure the shock will gradually wear off. And the fear... as I have been doing for many years, I bring that to the foot of the cross. I am very much aware that the fear of the shackles can quickly become the shackles if I let it master me. There have been a few times in only this one short week when I have been driven by fear to google searches about beta numbers and miscarriage rates and ectoptic pregnancies. Each time I find myself becoming fearful and fruitlessly searching for comfort down internet rabbit holes, I hear my Father calling me back to himself. He calls me to search for peace in the pages of scripture and to find sanctuary from panic through prayer.

Each day I practice abiding in him, knowing that is the only way I can experience the full joy of this pregnancy: by trusting that it is in his hands.

This weekend I lived into the freedom I've found through this pregnancy by traveling with Arie to my parents' place in Ontario for my sister-in-law's baby shower. My little niece is due in April and I hoped I would be able to attend this shower in the worst way! It was scheduled for just 5 days after I would receive my pregnancy results. My sister-in-law along with my mom and sister (hosts) were all incredibly gracious, understanding that if I would not have been pregnant, the hurt would have been much to raw for me to make the 6 hour journey for the party. When I found out I was pregnant the shower was one of the first things on my mind! This would be the first time in over four years where I would be able to celebrate another woman's pregnancy without battling feelings of pain and jealousy.

And what a beautiful celebration it was!

My sister choose an adorable Peter Rabbit theme!

Her last name is Bos. :-)

This was the only time Kaitlin and I will be physically together as pregnant sisters so we had to take a bump picture even if my baby is only a tiny clump of cells. Any bump I might be showing right now is related entirely to food and not at all to pregnancy. Still we laughed with joy as we took this picture! I am already dreaming of re-creating it next Christmas with both our babies- two little cousins!- in our arms.

On Sunday we attended church with Kaitlin and my brother Wes. At the end of the service we sang the song, "All Who are Thirsty." The last lyric of that song is an invitation: Come Lord Jesus, come. The worship leader invited us to bring to mind any desire or area of our life where we needed to find healing in Christ as we sang those words, Come Lord Jesus, come. 

"Alternatively," he added, "if you have found healing and your heart's desire in Christ we invite you to sing the words I've found all that I want, all that I've longed for in You." 

As the music swelled with the beautiful harmonies of those two lines I found myself singing the second line with great emotion.

After the service I told the worship leader that this was my first time in worship since I found out that I'm expecting. And the first time in years that I've been able to sing those words. 

I've found all that I want
 All that I've longed for in You. 

Shackles be damned. No more chains! I'm keeping my eyes set on that one who who has set me free.

xo