Today I am truly honored to share my friend Jessica's adoption story with you. Last year she faced an unexpected pregnancy and made the decision to place her baby with an adoptive family. Though I came to my own adoption journey from the opposite side of the road, as an adoptive mom, I have cherished the lessons I have learned about motherhood by witnessing her journey as a birth mom. It really is an honor to share it with you today.
*names changed for anonymity of the adoptive family
Growing up I dreamed of having a big family: one that would be made up of both biological and adopted kids. From a very young age, I imagined staying home with a handful of children- dark hair, light hair, dark skinned, light skinned- running around and being my family. For some reason, I always had this feeling that adoption was going to be part of my story. This is my adoption story.
I grew up in a typical Christian midwestern home: I had a loving family, we went to church every Sunday, I was involved in school and had a supportive community around me. Despite this positive context, however, my middle school and high school years were not easy. I struggled with depression and by the time I graduated from high school I did not have a clear sense of what I wanted for my life. Trying to make a future for myself, I started college studies twice, but only completed a semester at each school. I soon realized I was trying to live up to my family's expectations of me, rather than choosing my own path. I took a break from school and started working full time at a hotel. My goal still to return to get a college degree, however my life was about to take an unexpected turn.
I was 22 and had just gotten out of a long and serious relationship when a friend of mine set me up with a guy she had just met: Nathan. We dated for just over a month, but it didn't take me long to realize this was not the kind of man I wanted to be with. He filled our short relationship with dishonesty. We broke up.
Soon after we broke up, I felt as though I was coming down with the flu. I was very tired, nauseated, and when I rode the elevator at the hotel where I was working I felt as though I might pass out. It was a coworker who suggested I might be pregnant. I brushed off the suggestion but she insisted I at least take a test, so I did.
The test was positive.
It may be funny to say, but I can tell you with absolute honesty that when I saw that test turn positive the very first thought I had was this: I will not be parenting this child. The reality that I was not ready to parent was immediate and yet it was also the hardest reality I have ever had to come to terms with. That day I began the most amazing, painful, and gratifying experience of my life.
The first family member I told was my dad. When I gave him the news his first question was, "How far along are you?"
"Between 5 and 7 weeks," I replied.
His response: "Okay."
And that was it. He told my mom and for weeks they remained silent on the issue.
On my own initiative, I set up a meeting with a crisis pregnancy counselor at a local adoption agency. My counselor Jenny became perhaps the most important support person I had during my pregnancy. While I was pretty sure I wanted to make an adoption plan, she helped me walk through both my options: adoption or parenting. Some weeks I would come in and tell her I wanted to place my baby; we would sit down and talk through what that would look like. Other times I would come in and tell her I wanted to explore parenting; we would sit down and talk about what that would look like. She empowered me to make the best decision for both me and my baby. She never forced me to make a decision.
Halfway through my pregnancy I had an ultrasound to reveal the sex of my baby. It was a girl! Finding out the sex of my baby was a big surprise: was sure I was having a boy! In fact, when the ultrasound technician told me it was a girl I immediately replied, "No it's not." Ha! It was indeed a girl kicking inside my belly. Because she was due to be born around Christmas, I started calling her Noelle.
Shortly after that ultrasound, I took a trip to New Mexico with my dad who was traveling for work. I did a lot of soul searching on that trip. The atmosphere in New Mexico was beautiful, quiet, and for the first time in weeks I felt as though I could truly hear myself. I spilled many tears on that trip, surrendering to the truth that though I loved my baby girl deeply, I had to make the best decision for her even though it might hurt me. This decision was not about me; it was about her. I wanted so much for her: a stable family life, two parents, a mom who didn't have to go right back to work after she was born, to be spoiled by her family… things I new I would not be able to give her. I realized I was not yet able to be the mom I wanted to be.
After our trip to New Mexico, my dad and I were watching the TV show I'm Having Their Baby in the basement of our house. We sat quietly watching the scene where a birth mom placed her baby with the adoptive family. I looked over at my dad in the dark and saw tears glistening on his cheeks.
"I just realized for the first time how hard this is going to be for you."
In that moment I felt like I was finally getting the support from my family I had so desperately wanted. From that moment forward, something changed in our relationship and they showed me their love and support through the rest of my pregnancy.
My next task was to choose an adoptive family.
The adoption agency had profile books of adoptive families that I could look through. Two families stood out to me. Adoptive families often want to know what makes their profile stand out to an expectant mom; every case is different but I will share what stood out to me: in the first profile that stood out to me was written not from the perspective of the adoptive parents but from the perspective of their young son who was also adopted. They wrote- in their son's voice- "Hi my name is Wes. This is my family. I did not grow in my mom's belly, but I grew in her heart because that is where we keep our special things." That way of talking about adoption really touched me. The second profile that appealed to me was from a couple who had not tried to get pregnant yet, but who wanted to adopt because they believed they were called to adopt. I was drawn to this couple because of that.
Through the adoption agency I set up a meeting with the couple who believed they were called to adopt first, however after they had talked with friends and family, they decided that they were not comfortable with the amount of openness I wanted. Jenny called me and told me that they had cancelled out meeting. I immediately told Jenny to set up a meeting with Wes’ parents: James and Stacy.
Meeting James and Stacy was an incredible experience! We met on a September day when I was six months pregnant. I knew within five minutes of meeting them that they were the ones! I connected with James right away as his personality is a lot like mine. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of peace that this was my daughter's family; a family with whom I would share a special relationship for her whole life. I met James and Stacy at 9 in the morning and we ended up spending the whole day together, through the late afternoon.
From then on, Stacy came to every appointment with me. Once we had a winter storm and the roads were too bad for her to travel the almost hour long drive, so we put Stacy on speakerphone for the whole appointment and my doctor talked her through it! We enjoyed other experiences together like recording of the baby's heartbeat to go in a Build-a-Bear, going to a local art show together, and even doing maternity pictures together. Though I had been calling the baby "Noelle," James, Stacy and I decided we should pick a new name together. We spend weeks texting suggestions back and forth until we decided on Hadley. Through these experiences, the baby inside me became not "my daughter" but "ours."
Three months later on December 21, delivery day arrived. I actually had no idea I was in labor when I woke up early that morning, but I had been having terrible back pain and was just so tired of being sore and swollen and pregnant that I waddled into my parents' room and announced, "I'm done! If I'm not in labor already, I'm getting induced today."
As I began getting ready for the day and putting my makeup on, I started throwing up. It must have been a funny scene to see me putting on my makeup, throwing up, and going back to putting on my makeup! I texted James and Stacy, "This baby is coming today!" and left for the hospital with my mom. I also had one of my best friends come to the hospital with me; she had previously suffered a still birth and I knew she would be there for me in a way no one else could because she knew what it was like to leave the hospital without a baby.
At the hospital we discovered I was already having contractions; my back pain was actually back labor! Just a few hours later at 2:30pm I felt the urge to push and called out, "This is it!" My mom, Stacy, and my friend were all in the room with me. Hadley was born at 3:16pm.
When I heard the time of her birth, I immediately thought of John 3:16 which says, "For God so loved the world he gave his one and only son." That passage gave me comfort in a way it never had before because I thought about how God gave us his only son and now here I was giving my only daughter. I knew God was walking with me through this whole experience.
Hadley was immediately placed in Stacy's arms. As much as I loved her, I wanted her mom to be able to have that experience of being the first one to hold her. Hadley weight 6 lbs 15 oz and was 21 inches long; she looked just like me in every way! Stacy cut her cord and brought her over to the warming table.
I chose to have Hadley stay in the hospital room with me for our 48 hour stay after the birth. James and Wes stayed in a hotel nearby and spent a lot of time at the hospital. Stacy and I took turns holding Hadley at night; I wanted to give her time to adjust to Stacy's voice after hearing mine for 9 months. During the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I slept with a baby blanket so that Hadley would have something to take home that smelled like me. In the hospital, I had a special blanket for Hadley to lay on so I would have something to take home that smelled like her. Though the whole hospital experience I felt as if everything was exactly how it should be. It may sound strange knowing I was placing her with another family, but I have never felt as whole as I did during that time when I saw her and knew she was my child.
I wished our time together with all of us- me, Hadley, James, Stacy, and Wes - could have lasted longer, but soon it was time to leave. Stacy bawled her eyes out when it was time to leave, but at that point I still felt happy. I knew Hadley was leaving with her family and I was in a kind of "high" after giving birth.
Two days later, I broke down. I spent the whole day crying, wishing I had more time with Hadley. I never regretted my decision but I longed to have her back inside me. I never asked, "Why did I do this?" but I did ask, "Why did it have to be like this?" I struggled with anger toward Hadley's birth father for not being there, not being a good man, and just the whole situation. I knew I made the best decision for Hadley, but I wished the situation would have been different.
To help me through that hard time, my family got a new puppy. I spent a lot of time "mothering" the new puppy and cuddling her, but I couldn't help wishing I had Hadley instead of the puppy.
James, Stacy, and I went through a rough patch as we sorted out our new roles. For the pregnancy, our relationship was so much on my terms since I was carrying Hadley. After I placed her with James and Stacy, our relationship was on their terms and I struggled with that. I had a hard time letting go and I was worried James and Stacy would cut me out because they didn't "need me" anymore. I was fearful that it would be easier for them to walk away from me than to work through the new roles and boundaries in our relationship. Jenny reminded me in the visits after Hadley’s birth that it is normal to have these fears as a birth mom, but that we were all committed to each other and what was best for Hadley.
Thankfully James and Stacy committed to working through that hard time as we sorted out our new roles. Right now I am able to see Hadley a couple times each month and we exchange pictures at each visit. Wes calls me "Mimi" as Hadley will when she starts talking. They have even embraced my parents and sister, giving them the titles Oma, Opa, and Aunt J. This summer we all enjoyed a BBQ at a park together. We have come to a good place together in our relationship. I know things will change as Hadley ages, especially once she starts school, but I am enjoying the time we spend together now. This is how I always pictured our relationship would be.
Someone asked what I want Hadley to know about me as she grows up. I want her to know that she will always be my little girl and that I loved her from the moment I knew she was there. It might sound obvious that I want her to know I love her, but as a birth mom that is a huge fear: that she won't know how much I love her. I can't show her my love on a daily basis like her parents can. I'm not there to feed her or give her a bath or read her a story. I just want her to know I chose adoption for her and I love her so much!
James and Stacy have a special way of honoring me as Hadley's birth mom: every night before she goes to bed, they share her adoption story. There will never be a time in her life when she won't know about her story! I made a shadow box for her which James and Stacy put in her room as well as a book of letters from my family that Hadley will be able to read when she is old enough. I am so thankful James and Stacy have embraced not just me but my family as part of Hadley's life. Hadley will always grow up knowing her story will grow up always knowing her story and how deeply she is loved.
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing from the "other side", it was a real eye opener for me.ReplyDelete
Same here: eye opening. Thanks for the comment!Delete
Wow! Thanks to your friend Jessica for sharing this story! I am seriously in awe of birthmothers every day. I absolutely HATE it when people talk in any kind of derogatory way about birthmothers. They are the most selfless women I can imagine! To make such a gut-wrenching decision that is so difficult, but in the best interests of their child? Incredible! (Sorry for all the exclamation marks, but I'm obviously very passionate about it. I have so much gratitude and awe for our son's birthmother.)ReplyDelete
Thank you so much for your comments. While I haven't always experienced the most positive comments, I understand that it is something many people are ignorent of. Most aren't trying to be hurtful, but don't know how to phrase their comments. I am proud of my choice and know that as parents it isn't about us anymore, it becomes about our children. I don't take any negative comments to heart as most just don't know how to talk about it as it is a side that is rarely discussed.Delete
Beautiful, heartwarming and very eye opening. Thanks for sharing!ReplyDelete
This is a beautifully written story. I am best friends with the birth mom. I have never been more proud of her in my whole life, and I have known her since birth!ReplyDelete