Here I am: hope in the dark after failed infertility treatments.

Following our final failed IUI in April, May has been something of a rough month. I've been tired, emotional and fairly overwhelmed as I come to terms with the reality that our fertility treatments didn't work. Most days have been hard. Some days have been hopeful. Mostly I've just been trying to wrap my head around the fact that this is my story. I'm someone who did all the testing, had a laparscopic surgery, did three medicated cycles and four IUIs, … and still didn't get pregnant. That's my story. I wish it wasn't. But it is. I'm here.

I'm here in this place where only a year ago I gravely feared being. On the other side of all those treatments, sitting on the couch, knees tucked under my chin and arms around them, the fronts of my thighs pressed tightly against my empty womb. I'm here.

There are some things here that I knew would be: an empty ache. Disbelief. Tears. Heartbreak.

Some things aren't here that I thought would be: mainly, regret. I thought for sure if I got here, I would regret all the time and mostly the money that went into our treatments. I don't. I have peace about where we went on our journey and all the choices we made. I wouldn't change any of our decisions either; I believe it was exactly the right journey for us. I have peace knowing I won't look back on this stage of my life and say, "I wish we would have tried…." We tried. It didn't work. But I have peace knowing we tried.

John and I spent a lot of time considering whether to move forward with either IVF or embryo donation and we've decided to move forward with embryo donation. We haven't fully closed the door on IVF, but we both would much prefer to be recipients of donor embryos than do IVF, if we can. Our clinic has not historically received donated embryos from other clinics (the type of donations which adoption agencies like Nightlight facilitate), so we are looking for a match within our own clinic. Our clinic also only has an anonymous donor program, but based on all our past adoption research we truly believe it would be best for any child(ren) born of donor embryos to know their genetic family; so we are hoping to find a donor couple: 1) at our clinic who 2) want an open or semi-open relationship with our family.

We're carving out something of a new path at our clinic by seeking a known donor couple. I am unsure whether anything will come of it, but I think it would be a beautiful way for God to redeem this really hard season in our lives if he would so choose. Watching him redeem our first infertile year by bringing about Arie's adoption was the most incredible experience of my life thus far; I am clinging to the hopeful expectation that he will do something wonderful again! And- honestly- hoping he'll do it soon. Because being here is really hard.

Looking forward to brighter days to come and in the meantime walking (stumbling??) as faithfully as I know how in the dark.

xo