4/14/14

The void inside

source.
There's a giant new TV screen mounted on the wall of the ultrasound room at my fertility clinic. We women used to crane our necks to see the screen beside us as we got intimate with the ultrasound probe. Now, as we lie on our backs holding both our breaths and our hopes inside our chests, we can watch our uteruses on the big screen.

At midcycle, we're hoping for lining thicker than 8mm.

"You're at 10," says the nurse.

I breath a little.

She moves the wand to the left and to the right. Hazy grey waves roll over the screen until she finds what she's looking for: a mature follicle.

We're hoping for something larger than 18mm: a follicle ready to release an egg. Ready to be fertilized. Ready to become my child.

My follicle is enormous on the screen. To hell with 18mm; it's at least a foot long up there! And black. A big black hole of potential. It's the void in Genesis. It's the darkness, hovering over the surface of the deep. I wonder if the Spirit hovers over it, too.

"That's a big one!" My nurse smiles, "25mm! You're about the ovulate."

 I'm praying God's voice will speak into this void like he he did at the beginning. Praying he'll make something where nothing was before.

The nurse tells me we can schedule our IUI tomorrow. "Will it be your first?"

"My fourth."

I let a few deep breaths escape from my chest. A little hope escapes too. It scares me to hope again. Three failed IUIs. A surgery. Three failed cycles again. Now, a fourth.

Oh God! Please. Speak life into that void, deep inside me.

*

xo

30 comments:

  1. I'm praying hard for you!!!

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    1. Thank you!! I know they are heard before the Throne!!

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    1. I cherish those prayers Christina. Thank you deeply for praying for me!

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  3. I totally know every single feeling you just expressed.

    I know.

    Praying so much for you...

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    1. There is something very comforting about that Ruth. Thank you for your empathy and thank you for your prayers.

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  4. Praying my heart out for you Burdens!

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    1. I know you are Kaitlin! I am so blessed by you. Thank you, truly.

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    1. Makes me laugh to say but thank you, Waffle, for your prayers! ;-)

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  6. Praying so hard for you. Xoxo.

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    1. Need those prayers and grateful for then Sherri! xoxo

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  7. He can. He will. I'll remind him.

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  8. Praying SO hard for you!!!! xxx

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  9. Well I'm a few days ahead of you this time around. I'll be praying for you the next few hours, and of course over the maddening next two weeks!

    Here's hoping that we both have our January 2015 snowflakes :)

    And also- 25mm follie. I'm super jealous. My leading follie was only a 16 this time around, but since I had a ton in the 14-16 range Dr. Colbert didn't want to let me go too long before triggering lest I become the next Kate Gosselin.

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    1. It's always amazing how the perfect follie can lead to a failed cycle and ones that are "too small" can be a baby 9 months later! Hoping for you!!

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  10. Praying with all my strength for you. I have been following you when you were going back and forth to Russia to get your lovely son. It's almost Easter, it's such a great time to get pregnant. I'm positive that our prayers will be heard. You guys deserve this baby so much.

    -xoxo-

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    1. Such wonderful words. What a pleasure to read them. Thank you for praying with all your strength! I am undeserving but deeply grateful!

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  11. I've been following your blog for a while and I'm praying for you. You are doing the right thing by holding on to Him and pointing others towards Him. I know your ache. God let us have a son after 15 years of not being able to. I look forward to hearing good news for your family.

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    1. Shannan thank you so much for your prayers. It is impossible for me to imagine those 15 years; what an amazing story that you were blessed with your son after 15 years! Wow. I look forward to announcing our good news someday! :-)

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  12. Praying for your little miracle - and for you and the boys! :)

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    1. Thank you for the prayers for all of us!!

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  13. Praying God blesses you richly!

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  14. Anonymous4/17/2014

    Praying for your family. We have followed and prayed each month for you since October. <3
    -Jesse and Jessica Allard

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    1. I am humbled and blessed by your prayers!

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  15. Anonymous4/21/2014

    Hi Jill! I'm new to your blog and it so so warms my heart to see photos of your adopted son. My hubs and I have been married 8 years, haven't been able to conceive, and are in the waiting room for our domestic adoption. Please don't take this the wrong way, just curious why do you continue trying with IUIs? Maybe God is pointing you toward adoption again? We never went that route because it pained me to think of spending all that money on something that may not be successful; my heart was at ease putting it into an adoption.

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    1. Hi and welcome! Congrats on your adoption journey and I hope you have your little one in your arms soon!!

      We make all our decisions with prayer, seeking God's guidance and believe the path we are on is the one he has for us. Thanks for reading!

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