4/29/14

Results of our last IUI

The evening of my pregnancy test was very windy; dark angry clouds crawled across the sky above us.  John was out of town and Arie and I were in the car running errands. We were listening to the radio when we heard the word "storm" announced from the newscaster. Being the sensitive spirit that he is, Arie grew concerned about the wind and storms he knew were approaching. Over the course of the evening, he furrowed his worried brow and asked a dozen times if "a storm coming?",  looking for reassurance that we were going to be safe from the offending weather.

As we drove home from our errands, my mind was filled with fear about my pregnancy test. My heart palpitated with anxiety and anticipation. I reached for the car radio and began to play the Chris Tomlin CD John and I bought right before my laparscopic surgery in December. Flipping forward through the tracks, I stopped at Sovereign and sang along, weakly, to the lyrics.

All my hopes 
All I need
          Held in your hands 
All my life 
All of me
          Held in your hands 
All my fears 
All my dreams
          Held in yours hands 

From the backseat Arie called out, "Play it again Mama!" and sat raptured, listening again. The car shook from a big gust of wind outside as the lyric, "with me in the calm/with me in the storm" filled the interior. "HEY!" Arie's little voice called out, "He with us in the STORM Mama!! It said STORM!!"

"That's right baby," I replied. His literal storm blew in around us as my turmoil raged inside. "God is with us, even in a scary storm."

At home again, I tucked Arie into bed and headed downstairs to surf the web until I had held my pee long enough for the pregnancy test to be accurate. When it was time, it took me twenty minutes of prayer to gather the courage to take it. In my heart, I knew it was going to be negative. I can't even count the number of pregnancy tests I've taken over the last three years and I've never seen a positive. It seems almost more strange to think I would see two lines rather than one.

Still, I hoped. I read Philippians 2 devotionally and verse 27 stood out to me, "Indeed he was ill, and almost died. But God had mercy on him, and not on him only but also on me, to spare me sorrow upon sorrow." 

From my depths, I cried out to God and asked him "to spare me sorrow upon sorrow." I prayed, "Not my will but yours be done" as Jesus prayed and asked again that he would please in his infinite wisdom and generosity spare me the sorrow of another failed cycle. I prayed for strength and trust in the face of a single line, but that from his enormity, God would see fit to give me two.

I took the test. I stared somewhat numbly at the two oval windows before me, waiting to see how many lines would appear. With me in the storm. With me in the storm. With me in the storm. 

Only one line appeared. The fault line upon which my heart broke.

I cried. Grief shook my body.

About an hour later, I received a message from a friend that said simply, "Suddenly felt a strong urge to pray for you… praying hard…"

With me in the storm. 

John and I met with Dr. Colbert last Friday. We've reached the end of the (relatively) easy and affordable options. We agreed the next fertility option for us is either IVF or to be recipients of a donated embryo (sometimes called "embryo adoption"). We are praying constantly that the LORD will lead us and I am falling back hard on my life verse:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6.

Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially…. we are in great need of his guiding hand.

Wherever he leads us, I know this is not the end of the road for our family. In fact, this morning as I sat at the breakfast table with my little boy, still filled with grief and questions, he looked over at me and out of the blue said, "Hey Mama? I tell you something: I not give up. And you say you not give up too, okay?"

Okay. 

I not give up. 

xo

25 comments:

  1. tears flowing down my face for you…..praying through the storm WITH you….and sending lots of love.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am so sorry Jill :( My heart hurts for you and John. Praying God leads you the way He'd have you go and spare you more sorrow. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Prayers coming for you and the rest of the Burdens. We are here if you need anything.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm so sorry. Praying for you

    ReplyDelete
  5. Tears. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hate that feeling.. I was there.. for us it was at 7 years.. I didn't want to test anymore.. I hated it.. My life changed when I met Dr Toth in New York.. did antibiotic therapy on me and my husband.. he said 'see you in 9 months' ... I tried to smile at that... happily, I called him in 10 months. My daughter is now 5. We did IUI's, and IVF's always negative.. Mikaela was conceived naturally..

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous4/29/2014

    I am so sorry. I've been prayer throughout your journey and will continue to do so!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am so sorry and will do anything in my power to ease the sting of all that feels broken. I have had you on my heart for weeks and will hold you there fiercely.

    ReplyDelete
  9. So sorry to hear that. I was very hopeful for you. if you want to ask anything about IVF or how we made our decision please message me. xo

    ReplyDelete
  10. So sorry to hear that. I was very hopeful for you. if you want to ask anything about IVF or how we made our decision please message me. xo

    ReplyDelete
  11. I was sure you'd be announcing a positive test result! So, so sorry to hear this. Have you and John tried acupuncture? I have friends who swear by it for getting pregnant. I wonder if the anti-inflammation diet would help??? Prayers that soon you will be preparing Arie for his role as Big Brother!

    ReplyDelete
  12. so sorry to hear - and praying that God will continue to make Himself real in this storm

    ReplyDelete
  13. Anonymous4/29/2014

    I'm so sorry to hear. I've been praying for you and will continue to do so. It gave me goosebumps reading that last part about what Arie said. Crazy how God speaks to us sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Anonymous4/29/2014

    My heart pours out to you and your family. I will continue to pray for you and I know we can trust Him to make this right.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Grieving with you over that one line. I will pray that God's will is made crystal clear to you in the days and weeks ahead. May His peace overwhelm you as you parent your sweet boy and may He give you abundant strength as you make new decisions. I wish I could give you a big hug and cry with you right now.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I wish that I could give you a big hug. I'm so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh Jill. I'm just so, so sorry. I know the pain of that negative test and it is excruciating.

    I hope this isn't too forward of me, I know that our situations are different, but I wrote a post this year about the reality of IVF{for me- we had our cycle in June 2013} and I hope you will take some time to read it. Just to consider all sides of your decision. It sounds like you have an amazing dr. and that your situation is different from mine- but we have the same dx, and there are things I wish people had told me before I went through with it.

    http://www.apluslife.net/2014/01/the-reality-of-ivf.html

    So many prayers to you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous5/02/2014

      I'm glad that you shared the link to your thoughts and experiences from having experienced doing IVF. I thought it was very appropriate to share at this time as Jill prayerfully weights all the options.

      Delete
  18. Ahhhh Jill...there are no words that fit...
    We are praying for you guys so much.
    Your son has an incredible sensitivity that will take him far in life. I pray God will develop that in him as he gets older.
    May you guys truly draw on God's strength in this storm...

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anonymous5/01/2014

    I read all of your blogs, but never comment. But I just felt compelled to do so on this one.

    I have no words for what you are enduring and what journey you are on. I just want to say that I am sorry that your dreams of carrying a baby have not been realized - YET. I stress yet. I have so much hope for you that your dream will one day become a reality.

    "Everything that is done in the world is done by hope." - Martin Luther

    ~Angelika

    ReplyDelete
  20. Believing big things for you and your family and praying peace and wisdom in the mean time! That sweet boy - love it how our kids can do that for us :) HUGS to you!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous5/04/2014

    Hi Jill, I have gone through three fresh cycles of IVF, the last one, thankfully, was successful and I'm currently six months pregnant. I am writing because I have what is most likely a full cycle's worth of IVF meds that I'd like to gift to you (assuming your doctor would approve the meds I used and that you proceed with the IVF route). I can't find your email address here, but if you're interested, if you could respond to this comment with your email, I'll reach out to you with the names of the meds I have and the quantities so you can speak with your doctor about them. Assuming your insurance doesn't cover fertility meds, you'll probably save between $5-10K if you can use the meds I have leftover.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Heavy heart for you my friend. Praying for the Lord's sustaining grace.

    ReplyDelete

I love reading your comments! Those left on posts older than 2 days will require moderation.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...