Fertility update and our eternal winter

After I shared that our second cycle with Femara (fifth medicated cycle) failed a few of you messaged me to ask what our fertility plan is from here. We are doing two more cycles with Femara and if we don't conceive in those cycles, truthfully I don't know what we will do. The hope I have about conceiving is growing dimmer and dimmer yet I don't feel ready to give up either. It's been about eight months since we started seeing our fertility doctor and a combined 2 1/2+ years of trying; I'm weary.

We have options ahead of us like injectable ovulation stimulating drugs and more IUIs or even IVF, however the financial and emotional cost of more treatments are high. What I'm trying to decide is are they too high?

I was telling my friends last week that I am struggling to know whether the hopelessness I feel is a divine voice warning me not to move forward or whether it is simply my own grief and fear clouding the way. One dear friend told me later that she thinks its the fear- not the divine voice- that I'm feeling. I felt very emotional when she told me that and thankful beyond thankful to have wise voices in my life, shining a light when I feel like I'm walking in the dark. I'm hoping and praying that if we ever get to the point where it is time to stop trying, I will feel peace and not the dark and fear I feel now.

Even in the midst of the dark and the doubt, we are living life. We are having fun with friends, moving excitedly forward with our ministry at our church, and loving life with our little boy. Here in Michigan we are being held completely against our will in an eternal winter. It has been cold and snowing since the beginning of time and according to the 10 day forecast, it shall continue to be cold and snowy for all eternity.

We've been moving through the stages of grief about this eternal winter. John is currently in denial; a few days ago when it snowed for the trillionth time since November, he looked out the window and declared, "I'm not shoveling ANYMORE."

It's true. He hasn't. Our front steps are still covered in snow and I've almost lost my life at least four times on them just today. Our poor mailman.

He's not alone either. Yesterday a woman at church told me she washed and put away her family's winter coats. When her husband objected due to the fact that we're just barely in double digits, she just told him too bad.

We're halfway through March. It's not supposed to be winter ANYMORE.

Personally I've been stuck in the anger stage, groaning loudly and shouting expletives at weather.com on a near daily basis. Today, however, I did my best to move into acceptance and took Arie on a winter hike.

He will seem happy in these pictures, but you should know that he wakes up every morning, looks out the window and asks me, "Is it meltin' yet?" He literally cried this week when our first spring rains turned back into snow. Cried.

We feel you, Arie! We really do.

Seems a winter hike was much needed to lift our spirits. If only to remind us that spring is coming.... someday.

Arie's favorite part was standing on various bridges and exclaiming excitedly about the lack of ice on the stream. "It's WATER Mama! It's not ice! It's melting!!"

We found colorful berries hanging out on twiggy branches. Are they a sign of spring? Or are they there all winter? In any case, I told Arie they were growing for bears to eat when they come out of hibernation. He thought that was awesome, so no one tell him otherwise, k?

Speaking of eating, Arie ate snow. Not fresh snow, either. Snow directly from the path. Snow that had been previously trampled on by who knows how many boots and peed on by wild animals. This was his reaction to me shouting from behind the camera, "DON'T EAT THAT! IT HAS BIRD POOP ON IT!" 

Stinker. 

Besides eating snow, we threw sticks into the creek....

... and one of us fell down a lot. 

We had fun.

(Obviously didn't bring the right lens for selflies.) 

We are ready for spring. I am ready for some more sunshine in my life, to feel the warmth of the sun, and to move out of the fertility grief. I'm hoping they will happen together. I cherish your prayers for me and for John as we seek God's face moving forward. 

Onward.

xo