3/6/14

Femara cycle #2 results

Last night my family went to our church's Ash Wednesday service. Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of Lent. At the close of the service, the pastors marked our foreheads with ash in the sign of a cross. "Remember from dust you came and to dust you will return, " they repeated, marking the faces of infants and elderly alike.


Biblically, the ashes symbolize a state of two things: grief and repentance.  I certainly feel the weight of grief, as John and I have completed another failed cycle of trying to conceive. Once again the pregnancy test was negative. Once again our hearts break. Once again we call out to God and ask him why he refuses to bless us with another child. I grieve in ashes.

In my grief, I also repent. As I walk the road of infertility, the line between the good and godly desire for another child gets blurred- or marred- with anger and jealousy and a proud sense of I know better than you God. I repent in ashes.

Of all the scripture passages read in our sanctuary last night, my heart latched tightly on to this one from Psalm 51:


As I prepare my heart to try again, I bring it, broken, as a sacrifice before the LORD. Even as I am broken and covered in ashes from another failed cycle, I come with humble thanks because I know he does not despise me in my grief and sin. Instead, he cleanses me with redemption.

This next cycle- another round with Femara- will take up the majority of lent. With an extra measure of longing this year, I walk through lent with sadness and approach the cross in my great need for joy and gladness.

Yesterday, ashes. Today as I rise, I fix my eyes forward on Easter. I join again with the psalmist and say,



Let the bones you have crushed rejoice. 

xo

13 comments:

  1. Oh Jillian, I am so sorry that this was another failed cycle. My heart breaks for you. Know that I think of you often and will continue to hope that this next cycle will work for you.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you dearly for your thoughts and for hoping for me. I lean into that hope when I can't hope for myself. xoxo

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  2. I grieve with you and stand beside in you in asking God how long. I'm sitting with you in wonder and finding myself in awe of your beautiful contrition and faith in the darkest rooms.
    Love. Peace be with you.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for offering me that peace. I need it so much. You are a wonderful friend Leanne. xoxo

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  3. You embody the beatitudes at present. I will continue to pray for the desires of your heart to be fulfilled on this side of Heaven.

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    Replies
    1. I can't tell you how much that means to me; the beatitudes have a very deep and special place in my heart, of all biblical passages. I go to them often. Thank you Michelle!

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  4. Anonymous3/06/2014

    I'm so sorry. My heart is heavy for you. During the midst of such grief, your perspective and faith has been an inspiration to me.

    pinkcanuck.wordpress.com

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for sharing in my pain and letting me know I am not alone. It mean so much to me. Praising God that he is making his strength known through my weakness!

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  5. So sorry. Beautiful post. It gives me a lot to think about. I love the picture and Arie's sly little grin!

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  6. My husband and I are going through the same thing. We both have fertility issues (I have PCOS and he has very low to no sperm). My husband could go and have a biopsy on his testicles to see if they can get any sperm that way, but the chances of that are even low. We have decided to go with a medical donor sperm. We feel at peace with this choice, we plan to be very open about our choice and we understand that there are going to be some people who do not understand why we are going this way. But how do you tell your body that, sorry but you are not going to conceive and have a child grow inside of you and you just have to deal with that. I am not at that point yet to deal with it. My next cycle we will be starting this journey in life. As we prepare to try and conceive, we will keep you guys in our prayers also as you walk down your journey.

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  7. Have you heard about western vs. eastern treatment? Just thought you might want check into this and see if it'd be beneficial for you? Eastern treatments are more "holistic"..... I am starting to read more about eastern treatments such as acupuncture and Chinese herbs to help with endometriosis and fertility issues. Who knows if this would help you? The links are at: https://www.pacificcollege.edu/acupuncture-massage-news/om-essay-contest/om-essay-contest-2011/891-endometriosis-and-chinese-medicine.html
    AND
    https://www.acufinder.com/Acupuncture+Information/Detail/Treatment+of+Endometriosis+and+Fibroids+with+Acupuncture

    Good luck!

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  8. Hey, I have a question I wanted to ask you regarding your blog. If you could send me an email when you get this, I’d really appreciate it. Thanks!
    -Tiffany
    tpham(at)dropcam(dot)com

    ReplyDelete
  9. Anonymous3/27/2014

    Catching up on your blog now and I had chills as I read this. "Let the bones you have crushed rejoice." As so many others I have seen comment on your posts, I struggled with infertility and the bone crushing fear that I would never experience pregnancy and motherhood. As I write this now, I have two year old twins asleep in the next room. The day they were born, the moment I realized they were healthy and real and MINE, so much of the pain of infertility fell away. I believe that God gives us the children we are supposed to have, in the moment that we are supposed to have them. He brought Ari to you. I believe in my bones - which are rejoicing at this prospect for you! - that He has not finished. It has been such a privilege to follow you on this journey! I will be celebrating with you and all of your many followers when you get that positive test.

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