Laparoscopy

It's only been about 16 hours since I woke up from surgery but I don't think it's too early to say that I loved my laparoscopy.

Much of infertility is disempowering. It has- so far- robbed me of my ability to get pregnant and carry a child; it has robbed me of the very thing my body was designed to do. For many years I have felt angry and powerless over infertility. Undergoing our three IUI procedures was a great step forward in the battle; it was us, deciding that we wanted to fight. However, because we didn't know if they would work (and they didn't), I still felt subject to my infertility.

On a spiritual plane, I've been able to appreciate these feelings of disempowerment because they- along with similar feelings of helplessness from our adoption- have been my hearty invitation to rely on God and his sovereignty. The best thing about coming to the end of myself in these journeys is that I have found where the richest part of my faith in God begins. When I am the weakest and feel the most powerless, I have discovered the strength and power given to me in Christ. 

 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 1 Corinthians 12:10. 

The laparoscopy, however, was empowering. It felt like a heavenly gift. Finally I was able to address a cause of my infertility in a real, aggressive, and powerful way. I can tell you that I have not felt this positive about our chances at conception in a very, very long time. Since about the third month of trying... which was four years ago. Wow.

John and I arrived at the hospital around 11:30am, two hours before surgery. I wasn't nervous because I so excited for the surgery day to have finally arrived! We checked into the outpatient wing of the hospital and after a short wait we were brought to a pre-procedure room where I answered some questions, changed into a purple paper gown and- surprise!- got a leg massage! Well, sort of. To prevent blood clots, the nurse strapped on these white bands (similar to blood pressure cuffs, but bigger) to my calves. They tightened and released like a massage. That was nice!

John and I waited in that partitioned "room" for a very long time. Each time we heard footsteps coming down the hall we got excited. That went on for almost two hours, which seems like an eternity when you're antsy. Which we were.

Waiting, waiting, waiting... 

Finally the footsteps came toward us and a nurse moved us down to the operative waiting area. I was wheeled on my bed and John walked behind. In the operative waiting area a nurse put my IV in and every member of my operative team came one by one to meet me (surgical nurse, surgeon, anesthesiologist, and an intern- to whom John and I excitedly referred as "Meredith Grey!!!"). They all explained in great detail what was going to happen and asked if I had any questions. The whole thing was very reassuring, although by the time the fourth person came by I just wanted to say, "No I do not have any more questions!! Just get me on the table!"

On a related note: nurses- you are amazing! I was so impressed by how kind and genuinely concerned all the nurses were with me. Not only that, but I heard a few of my "neighbors" launching major complaints about things such as the state of their pillows (not fluffy enough) and the like, but never once did I hear a nurse respond with anything other than compassion. Truly amazing how patient and kind these nurses were! Nurses? You have a tough job. My kudos to you!

Immediately before I was rolled into the operating room, the anesthesiologist give me a dose of something "to relax" me. She said I might not remember anything from that point on. I remember saying goodbye to John, entering the OR, and breathing in some oxygen from a green mask. Dr. Colbert (my RE and surgeon) asked me if I had met everyone in the room- I said yes I had and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery!

It was a strange feeling waking up in the hospital. I didn't feel worried or surprised because I was so groggy, but I was trying to figure out why I was there. My train of thought was something like, "Huh. I don't think my surgery was today. Was it? .... Why else would I be in the hospital? Maybe it was today. Wait a minute. It is over??! YES!! I wonder how it went..."

The surgical nurse was immediately by my side, asking me how I felt. I was parched since I had not had anything to drink in a long time, so she gave me some ice chips which then made me nauseous, so she also gave me a dose of anti-nausea meds through my IV. That helped. My sense of time was all off so I'm not quite sure how long I stayed in that area, but it seemed like only minutes before I was wheeled out into the outpatient recovery area. I didn't have my glasses at this point but in the hallway I saw a man standing there with a balloon and gave him a smile. What a nice guy I thought. Turned out to be John! Yep. What a nice guy!

The nurse who helped me in the outpatient recovery area was incredible. She was about the same age as me and when she heard that we were struggling with infertility she shared that she and her husband had been down the same path. She made my favorite infertility joke which is that her husband always said they should probably do some drugs and climb into the back of their car for some "fun" and they will for sure get pregnant. That is exactly what John and I always say to each other and I immediately knew I had found a kindred spirit.

The most spiritual moment of the day happened next. Earlier that morning before John and I left the house, I checked my facebook inbox and found a note from a friend of my mom, newly pregnant after a very long struggle with infertility. She sent me Chris Tomlin's song "Sovereign"which, as the title suggests, is about God's power and presence in every season of our lives. John came into our bedroom as I had it playing and loved the song so much that we stopped by a Christian bookstore on our way to the hospital to pick up the CD! God's sovereignty seemed to be the theme of the morning.

After the surgery was over and that kindred spirited nurse was helping me get up out of bed to the bathroom, she said a few words about her infertility journey and learning about- you guessed it- trusting in God's sovereignty. I don't remember exactly the words she used because I was still so groggy, but I remember feeling my heart glow as I connected the spiritual dots between my mom's friend sending me a similar message, the Chris Tomlin song, and the nurse's testimony. The nurse walked me over to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. Alone for the first time since the surgery, it is hard to fully describe what happened but I felt as if a part of my soul that had been so injured by my infertility began to heal.

Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
with me in the dark
with me at the dawn 

In your everlasting arms
all the pieces of my life
from beginning to the end
I can trust you. 

... God, whatever comes my way: I can trust you. 

Sunset in the city from my recovery room window. 

The surgery itself was also a big step toward healing. Dr. Colbert removed the cyst we had been seeing on all my IUI related ultrasounds and- as he suspected- found moderate endometriosis on both ovaries and around my uterus. He gave me pictures of my insides which I found extremely cool and which almost made John faint. ;-) John was actually the one who got the report from Dr. Colbert as I recovered, but he tells me Dr. Colbert was extremely happy with the results of the surgery and optimistic about getting me pregnant in the next few months! We have a follow up appointment in 2-3 weeks to talk about what kind of additional treatment (if any) we should pursue moving forward.

I spent another hour in recovery at the hospital and then was back home by 8:30pm. Today I have some pain in my abdomen: mostly by the three small incisions from the laparoscopic tools. So far I've been fine only taking half the dose of pain meds they prescribed me. My biggest challenge has just been that they make me feel nauseated, but that should diminish even as the anesthetics from yesterday leave my body.

I am blessed to have my awesome mother-in-law here to take care of Arie so I can stay in bed today and John can do some work from home.

Thank you for all your prayers and encouraging remarks left for me via facebook and instagram! I read them all from the hospital and felt very supported by you all!

Thank you Thank you!

xo