One of the medications I'm taking to help with ovulation is called Clomid and it comes with some side effects. Last cycle I had the rather uncomfortable feeling of burning ovaries in my pelvis, but to tell you the truth it made me feel like the drugs were working so I didn't mind it too much.
This time I've had a lesser version of that same feeling, but I've tacked on two more side effects: fatigue and the black cloud.
Now fatigue on its own is a bother, but- as a stay at home mom- something I can cope with. Reading books, doing puzzles, watching Super Why... it might be a little boring, but Arie and I can survive it.
The black cloud is not so simple. The past week or so went like this for me:
Another cycle: another try. I can do this. I can do hard things.
Next day: I feel good. I feel hopeful!
Next day: I CAN DO THIS! Even if I never get pregnant I am going to come out on top and be a better, strong, more resilient person!! I am awesome! Life is AMAZING! I will survive!! Hear me ROAR and all that jazz!
Time to start taking this little white pill called Clomid for five days.
Day one: I feel okay. I guess.
Day two: I feel worse. Here comes the black cloud.
Day three: I feel awful.
Day four: I can't face the world. My life is over if I can't get pregnant.
Day five: I decide I will never, ever, ever get pregnant and we are wasting all our money and our entire lives on these STUPID treatments. I am crying all the time. I am quitting the world. WHERE DO I HAND IN MY NOTICE???I think John is scared of me.
Post-clomid days:
Okay, maybe I was being a little dramatic yesterday.
Next day: Wow I feel normal again. Poor John. I think only one of us is going to survive this and I'm not sure who.
Good grief you guys. This is no joke. I would love to say I had the mental stamina to rise above my emotions, but heck no- I did not. I full on wanted to quit the world. I don't even know what that would look like, either.
Probably similar to this:
I just thought you should know what it's like in case you ever have to take this drug. Or if one of your friends takes it and keeps crying on you. Just an FYI.
In actual news, my "probably nothing" cyst is officially "probably nothing" and requires no treatment other than continued monitoring. $300 for that information, mind you, so thank you for that, dear left ovary.
Friday is our follicle-checking ultrasound and then we will book our next IUI!
All for now,
xo
This time I've had a lesser version of that same feeling, but I've tacked on two more side effects: fatigue and the black cloud.
Now fatigue on its own is a bother, but- as a stay at home mom- something I can cope with. Reading books, doing puzzles, watching Super Why... it might be a little boring, but Arie and I can survive it.
The black cloud is not so simple. The past week or so went like this for me:
Another cycle: another try. I can do this. I can do hard things.
Next day: I feel good. I feel hopeful!
Next day: I CAN DO THIS! Even if I never get pregnant I am going to come out on top and be a better, strong, more resilient person!! I am awesome! Life is AMAZING! I will survive!! Hear me ROAR and all that jazz!
Time to start taking this little white pill called Clomid for five days.
Day one: I feel okay. I guess.
Day two: I feel worse. Here comes the black cloud.
Day three: I feel awful.
Day four: I can't face the world. My life is over if I can't get pregnant.
Day five: I decide I will never, ever, ever get pregnant and we are wasting all our money and our entire lives on these STUPID treatments. I am crying all the time. I am quitting the world. WHERE DO I HAND IN MY NOTICE???I think John is scared of me.
Post-clomid days:
Okay, maybe I was being a little dramatic yesterday.
Next day: Wow I feel normal again. Poor John. I think only one of us is going to survive this and I'm not sure who.
Good grief you guys. This is no joke. I would love to say I had the mental stamina to rise above my emotions, but heck no- I did not. I full on wanted to quit the world. I don't even know what that would look like, either.
Probably similar to this:
 |
| (source) |
In actual news, my "probably nothing" cyst is officially "probably nothing" and requires no treatment other than continued monitoring. $300 for that information, mind you, so thank you for that, dear left ovary.
Friday is our follicle-checking ultrasound and then we will book our next IUI!
All for now,
xo
We did one round of IVF and pumped me full of enough hormones to stop a cow. I totally get you with your fertility drug crazies! But don't bum on yourself for not rising above the feelings. That's not fair, and you deserve better. This isn't you "not handling it". This is your brain on drugs. You can't escape it, you can only endure and make the best of it. Your goal is to get through the days, and to cut yourself a LOT of slack. And remind your adoring hubby that he'd be nuts too if he were pumped full of menopausal estrogen.
ReplyDeleteSo validating to read your experience! "This is your brain on drugs." - YES. Thank you.
DeleteOh Jill,
ReplyDeleteClomid was the WORST for me. I had the clomid rage something fierce. My black cloud was more like a category 5 hurricane that came ripping through our lives. Not only was I depressed, but I was irrationally angry about EVERYTHING. I lost it on my husband because he dried my jeans that I prefer to let air dry. And when I say I lost it I mean I told him that I didn't know if our marriage could survive this, and I spent four hours crying.
In retrospect it's hysterical, and I'm starting to realize that he has the patience of a saint!
And the fatigue, OH MY GOSH the fatigue. I was going to bed at 6PM every night. It was absolutely terrible. I couldn't function.
Best of luck on this IUI cycle! We're benched this month, and possibly in December due to a potential polyp/adhesion/scar tissue that they've become more concerned about. The waiting is the WORST.
Be blessed!
I don't know if I should be encouraged or scared by this!! lol!! Thanks for the good wishes. I totally agree that waiting is the worst. I hope December is not out for you!!
DeleteI just thought you should know that I changed your picture in my contacts to the guy above. And then I LOL'd. Just know, there are those of us still hoping and laughing when you can't. And we won't let you quit the word. Like ever. And if you want to change my picture in your contacts to this, I won't be a hater. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Ljv7VdqU4Ho/UFErPScw5-I/AAAAAAAABD0/NA7R_Fw8Bsc/s1600/simmons2.jpg
ReplyDelete"Number one, like yourself. Number two, you have to eat healthy. And number three, you've got to squeeze your buns. That's my formula." - Richard Simmons.
DeleteWords to live by.
I had the clomid crazies twice, and finally switched to Letrozole for our successful cycle.
ReplyDeleteI am wishing you the best luck for your next cycle :)
Thank you for the good wishes! Maybe I will get to switch if this cycle is a bust again. Hopefully it won't come to that. I'm so glad you were successful after switching! Gives me hope.
DeleteJill,
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to how you are feeling! Clomid made me so incredibly emotional. And when I mean emotional, I mean the tears could come on at any moment and I couldn't stop them. I remember one night during our second cycle my husband and I were watching television and the ASPCA commercial came on (the organization that helps find homes and medical support for animals) I literally started sobbing uncontrollably for hours after watching the commercial. I couldn't stop, I just remember my husband just staring at me and handing me Kleenex. He was so confused because two minutes before I was laughing at some other commercial. I went on with this loud sob for hours and I just couldn't stop. I also would find myself getting so upset over the smallest things. One time I started crying because my hubby left his clothes on the floor, I sat on the floor crying for a good hour over that one. We did three cycles of Clomid with no luck, but i'm still glad we tried. And I tell my husband all the time how he is a saint for riding out the emotional roller coaster that comes with fertility drugs. Keep your head up sweets, it does get better!
Hugs from ND!
Clomid seems like a marriage building exercise even more than a fertility drug doesn't it?? ;-) Thank you!
DeleteJill,
ReplyDeleteI am very familiar with the Clomid Rollercoaster! My doctor actually told my husband to just "buy her a broom and let her ride" as he was writing the scrip! This journey is never easy and the grief is sneaky (unless you're on Clomid). :) I don't know what God has for you at the end of this, but from my experience, it's usually more than we could have ever imagined. I'm praying that He bolsters you as you walk through treatments.
I wanted to share a verse with you that has been my support during many of my "black cloud" days...
"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:24, 25
As a 7 year veteran on the infertility road (2 IUIs, 4 donor IUIs, numerous rounds of meds, no children), I know it seems impossible some days. But other days I come back to the point where I can wait patiently because I believe that I and all of us on this road are being prepared for something special. And other days I cry on the closet floor because my shoes are untied! (And I usually wear sandals!). You're not alone. You are in my prayers.
Dani
Amen to that verse and thank you from the bottom of my heart for the "you are not alone." Need to hear that again and again. xoxo
DeleteYou're doing great, love! Sending you encouragement from Minnesota!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the love!
DeleteHi! I have no idea how I stumbled across your blog (I think it popped up when I was googling adoption stuff), but your story sounds all too similar to ours. The emotions, feelings, roller coaster of thoughts (sometimes I feel crazy, dramatic, emotionally unstable!), adoption, IUI, "probably nothing" cysts, the dreaded 2 week wait trying to distract myself...etc. I took Clomid for a year (obviously no success) but my husband and I joked they were my "crazy pills." So its comforting to know I wasn't actually (too) crazy and others feel the same effects! Prayers to you and your family on this difficult journey!
ReplyDeleteLisa I'm so glad you came across my blog! As I'm finding out through all these comments (and more on Facebook!) we are definitely not alone with our crazy pills! Ha! Thank you for your prayers!
DeleteClomid was terrible for me too! I feel your pain. I, too, called them my crazy pills. Don't be afraid to tell you're doctor. After four cycles, I really spoke up and got an alternative.
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone!
Sending hugs!
Ugh I'm hoping if we have to do another cycle I won't have the same side effects. The first cycle wasn't so bad! Wishful thinking?? ;-)
DeleteClomid is awful! I had the worst hot flashes. I felt like I went through 4 outfits a day from being freezing to being so sweaty I had to strip RIGHT NOW!
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you :) Hope #2 is it!
Warning about Clomid!!! One of the side affects is suicidal ideations!!! I begged my doc to take me off after my husband found me in the basement sobbing and begging for an end to this life. Doc told me "that's normal". NORMAL?!?! These feelings started on day 2 of the med and lasted two days after finishing the med cycle. The rest of the month was not filled with the seduction of death, but pulling myself out of the funk. The ideations of suicide were NOT presented to me at the beginning.
ReplyDeleteWARNING!!! Clomid has the side effect of suicidal ideations!!! I discovered this side effect after my husband found me sobbing in the basement, begging to end my life. When I told my Doc, he patted my knee and told me, "That's normal." NORMAL?!?!?! Uh, no. It isn't. This is not a side effect that had been shared with me when I started it. The feelings started on day 2 of the pill and ended two days after the pill's cycle. I fired the doc, quite the clomid and have felt so much better these past two years.
ReplyDelete