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Sadly our first IUI did not succeed.
Aside from the initial few hours of anguish, I am doing okay. I am disappointed, but I don't feel hopeless. I am sad, but I'm not devastated. I don't have a sense that it will happen, but I don't feel like giving up either.
When I was a pre-teen, my friends Steph, Heather, and I went to a big amusement park called Canada's Wonderland. Steph's older brother Brad drove us with his friend. When we were all wrist-banded up inside the park, Brad gathered us around, giving us the instructions to stay safe and meet him back here at such-and-such a time. With a bite of sarcasm that only brothers can get away with, he walked away and called out, "And if you get lost just remember: YOU ARE IN CANADA'S WONDERLAND!"
Ha.
That's a little like how I feel right now. Lost, but not lost. I know I'm in Infertility World. I know I'm headed for the... baby ride? Okay this metaphor is breaking down... I know where I'm trying to go, but I don't know exactly how to get there or how long it's going to take before I figure out how to get there. So I'm feeling lost, but... not lost.
I'm going in for another ultrasound tomorrow to check that "probably nothing" cyst they saw on my last two ultrasounds. Maybe that will give us more direction.
Either way, we are gearing up for another try.
Incidentally, today my mom called me in tears to tell me that her friend who has been trying to conceive for 7 years is 12 weeks pregnant. Amazing!
Hope.
xo
Thank you for sharing. <3
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that the first round was a disappointment. :( Sending hugs and hope up north to you!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. That's all. Prayers for peace and fertility!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I've been down the infertility road. It's not a pleasant trip. We tried for 10 years. More IUIs, drugs, procedures and surgeries than I can count. 3 losses. Then, when all hope seemed lost, a miracle. She's 7 now. And she has a little sister. It was most definitely a struggle, but I'm thankful we kept up the fight.
ReplyDeletemy dear sorry for my english .I write for africa.everytime I follow you.and I want to thank you a lot for what you share with us people.when I was young ;I was thinking that be pregnant is something so easy.my mother always to make us not be pregnant early tell us that if we look a man make pipi we can get it(funny !!!!!! ahahah).i have 4 sisters all of them have children.I try too but it don't work out.sweet freind;you are so luky to be in your country.In AFRICA;particulary in cameroun it is not easy.when you can have naturaly a child you can no said "ohohohoh let me heave a traitment or in vitro ar all you have in your country".If you fine hospital who can do it ;they will ask you so much money.so our only support is faith and prayers.I want you to still have faith becouse everything is possible.I pray for you and all women in the same situation.You are lucky have the support of your friends and family;but we african women can't speak after a year after your weeding or living the same house that your husband with no baby you are insulted or beat or put out by the family in law.I can give you many raisons to have faith.So please for me for all african women who lost hope everyday because of absence of all those possibilities PLEASE DON'T STOP TRY GOD BLESS YOU
ReplyDeleteDear Joyce,
DeleteThank you for sharing your struggle with your sisters in Christ here in North America. Know we are praying over you.
Your story has given new perspective to many of us. We struggled with secondary infertility for 8 years. Suffered many loses. Never really felt comfortable using any of the "treatments." So prayed and hoped a lot instead. Looking back now I can see why God had to say no to our prayers. We fostered a sibling group of 3 for 5 years during that time. The week they moved out I gave birth to our now 14 year old daughter. It breaks my heart to know your culture doesn't value you sister. Please know God is crazy about you. He bottles your tears and keeps a record of your pains. Keep your eyes and ears open to His great plan for this season in your life. He has purpose for all He does. His ways are so much grander than ours. I do remember the monthly cycle of tears of disappointment and heart break, then hope, then tears, disappointment,hope, heart break, tears.....God does have a reason for your season. God bless you and keep. Today we pray over you Joyce.
dear thank you thank you so much.I read you like i read a book of my life.every child is a blessing;if you can't have a second please try to adopt.there is too much child out there without love.live the experience of give birth even one time is a blessing.may GOD bless you again if it is your desire.i cry so much for support.but this message touch me thank you.
DeleteDearest Joyce
DeleteWhat a blessing the internet can be! We can be friends from so far away. Prayers for you and your struggles.
Love Lori
dearest lori thank you.all the best and more blessing for you and your family love you too
DeleteI am so sorry that your first IUI didn't work Jillian. I will be thinking of you as you gear up for another try and praying that you will soon be seeing those beautiful two lines. I'm glad that you're not feeling hopeless but those feelings of disappointment are totally normal. Sending you hugs and love. You are strong.
ReplyDeleteSigh.... Love you, praying with you, always here to listen. Thought about texting yesterday but I didn't want to... ya know... bug you about it.
ReplyDeletei am crying ;my sister i am crying cause today after read you i take the decision to speak about my life.this secret i have and i never share with nobody.when i was writting ;i said myself just another comment.she will not read or pay attention.but what you did and those people whose take time to read me.THANK YOU.it is so wonderful to know that some people far away think or pray for you thank you all.yes i am in cameroon and i want you all to know that we are connected"internet is AMAZING right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'AHAHAHAHAH .thank you for give me this possibility.in AFRICA it is not a sentence that we say to people but let me just say it '''"" I LOVE YOU""" , BE STRONG!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteJoyce your story touched me so deeply. Thank you for having the courage to share your story! It is not just another comment; it is a blessing to read. You have given me the gift of a new perspective and I am so very, very grateful. I am praying for you today. You are so LOVED and may you be joyful today as sisters from North America lift you up!
Deletedearest jill;what a joyce when your world touch someone and the action of this person come back to you like a blessing.i thank you all for yours prayers.MAY GOD CONTINUES TO BLESS ALL OF US.Speack with you help me so much ;in africa we don't have the courage to speak about our feeling because you can be juge.or people even you think keep everything make you be strong but it is '''FALSE'''.it is so sweet to speak or tell people that you are hurt or in pain and they listen;i sleep this night like a baby.no bad dream or irreal dream just sleeping.
DeleteMy dear;todays let just clap my hand for your husband what a blessing to have a comprehensif man like him.i look yours pictures and i see this ligth on his eyes when you are arrount.yesterday;i think about you people,you telling him my story and maybe him smiling.what a blessing that what happens don't change your feeling.we have and expression in africa : :'''this experience can going througt or broke evering thing'''(WEEEEEEEEEEHHHHH ME AND MY ENGLISH OOOOOHH SORRY MANAGE IT LIKE THAT). A HUSBAND WHO SUPPORT AND STILL LOVE YOU IS A BLESSING. please when you will see him just huge him and said thank you to stay with me.LOVE YOU and thank you to answers me
I really learned a lot from Joyce here! I was reading another blog (A blog about love) before reading this and the blogger of that blog described her IVF as an abuse on her own body. Comparing it to my own IVF journey (successful in pregnancy news, but painful since I suffered an ovarian torsion) I agreed with her. Then I came here and read about Joyce and I felt stupid for considering world-class science that lead to a pregnancy as an abusement. It's a blessing to live in a country where I can have this medical treatment, it's a blessing I get to talk about it and have a loving and supporting husband.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely put things in perspective. I am not unlucky that I had to have IVF to conceive, I am blessed that I was able to have IVF treatment and conceived!
Amen!
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ReplyDeleteThrough 2012, my wife and I did 3x IUIs, and 2x IVF, with the promise that the 2nd IVF was the last. She was young like you and we had unexplained infertility (frustrating). The IVF injections were difficult, but well beforehand we discussed how far we were willing to go (only 2 IVFs, definitely no "donor" material or surrogacy). The first IVF indicated that the ova did not have enough energy to sustain growth for more than a few days (we had many fertilized eggs, no blastocysts and two sad, slow growing embryos that did not implant). This also likely explained the IUI failures. During furious research (I am in the biomedical field), I came across this interesting paper: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21770829 which indicated that ova quality might be improved by low dose, chronically-administered melatonin. For a $7 bottle, she took 3mg of melatonin (1 tablet) at bedtime when she started the beginning of the IVF treatment through to the night before the egg retrieval. We had many successful embryos (4) from that cycle (3 frozen), and we are now proud parents to a beautiful 2-month old daughter. We didn't talk with our MD because she didn't believe anything could help, but you may wish to speak with yours about it. All she did was take 1 3mg melatonin tablet (regular OTC bottle from CVS) each night while during treatment. The theory is that melatonin is a strong antioxidant for the ovaries, clearing out junk that may impede growth when fertilized. Bathing the ovaries over a long period of time with a very small amount of melatonin seemed to work for us. I cannot say for certain that the melatonin was the cause of the successful pregnancy, but I do know that is the only thing we did differently for that cycle (and the two cycles were vastly different - poor growth vs. excellent growth). The MD even said it was highly unusual for this to occur. I write this because it is so simple and I wish we had tried this out during the IUI or when we were trying on our own, or that someone would have mentioned it as an option.
ReplyDeleteI definitely sympathize with your struggles, as we had the same. We were ready to give up for 2013 and pursue adoption and then we found out that my wife was pregnant on new year's eve. We attribute it to the melatonin and God's Will (not in that order). That said, I have found that couples who are accepting of their infertility and continue with dignified honor, acceptance, courage and love are nothing short of inspiring. I wondered if we could have been that graceful. This is why my wife and I discussed how far we would go quite early on because the chase can grind you down and may even lead you to do things you are uncomfortable with. During the darkest times, I have had to remind myself and my wife that just because we did not have children, we are no less loved by God or our family. With or without biological children, you are loved!
Thank you so much for this information! I am going to do some more research about the melatonin. Thank you!! I also loved reading your encouraging last paragraph. Congratulations on your daughter!
DeleteThank you! I admit, it may sound like a little bit of quackery, but we went with the philosophical approach that if it will not harm, it is worth trying. Our MD basically said it will not work, but we figured if there was no risk and there was a chance it would work, it was worth it (I tell you, we were at the end of the rope knowing this was the last cycle we would do and we were looking for any answers and a change since 3 IUIs and 1 IVF were not successful).
DeleteWhile melatonin as an aid to fertility may sound quacked out, but there is a nice review article explaining its role as a free radical scavenger in the ovaries http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23171705 The study I linked to earlier did not show promising results, but as someone who designs clinical trials, I believe the design was wrong from the beginning, and the results were more compelling than they let on. We followed that regimen exactly and our MD was very surprised at the outcome (said it was "quite unusual"). Again, there are no clear cut answers and I would never suggest that it is a guaranteed fix for you: the science is somewhat uncertain, but I was convinced that it was at least worth a try, my wife got on board, and it happened to work out, thank God.
I wish you three well going forward and I enjoy reading your blog. Your documentation of the adoption process for your son was riveting and gave me hope as we considered adoption last year. Who knows, we may adopt too, but our story has now shifted to taking care of our frozen embryo-babies in storage.
I totally get the "if it can't hurt..." thinking. Obviously what we've done so far has not worked so I am ready to research new ways to help! I've researched acupuncture a lot but for some reason this interests me even more- a gut instinct? In any case- thanks again for sharing!
DeleteI will be praying for you all. One simple single tablet each night may be the thing to help you (although I say that cautiously and carefully, since I know how troubling the whole process is and am guarded against false hope). We were absolutely astonished it worked for us (or maybe it was all the prayers or some combination of both). I had another quick look at melatonin and ovarian function on pubmed - there is a lot more published since our IVF adventure, so something might be catching on.... May Our Lord Jesus Christ grant you many blessings!
DeleteYou can download a free pdf of the melatonin review article here: https://www.jstage.jst.go.jp/article/endocrj/60/1/60_EJ12-0263/_article
ReplyDeleteThe authors probably overstate the evidence (they conclude that it could be a "cure" for some infertility), but it is worth a read and perhaps discussing with your MD.
We have had a painful and long road with infertility. From doctors that ignored and misdiagnosed my severe endometriosis, to the aching sadness left behind by 2 failed IUIs and failed IVF. But, here I am, after giving IVF "just one more" try, we are 6 weeks pregnant. Sometimes things take longer, sometimes it takes a miracle, sometimes you aren't sure you have it in you to keep fighting, sometimes the cost seems so overwhelming...But, it has all be worth it so far. I hope you stay positive in spite of the setbacks and keep fighting.
ReplyDeleteI love hearing success stories- thank you! Congratulations on your pregnancy!
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