Well, hi everyone. I hate starting off with an apology, but I have to just quickly apologize to those who have written me private messages on facebook; I try hard to respond to each of them in a timely manner, but I have gotten behind. I am sorry! You all are so wonderful to share your stories and to care about me during this waiting time. It blows me away. I absolutely love reading your messages. I am going to try respond this week!
On to the post:
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I'm about halfway through my "two week wait," post IUI. I felt pretty great last week: moderately hopeful, happy, optimistic. John and I took Arie to visit my family in Ontario since it was Thanksgiving up there last weekend. We had a blast! Arie has been singing out lists of our family's names- grandparents, aunts, uncles- ever since. Last year we missed out on the Canadian Thanksgiving celebrations since we were in Moscow for our court date, so it was extra special to be together (ALL of us!) this year. Arie's first Thanksgiving.
As I enter the second half of the two week wait, I'm not feeling depressed, per say, but definitely more pessimistic. I was talking to a friend who professionally works as a therapist about these feelings and she was all of course you are! After so many cycles of disappointment, it is just my body's natural defense mechanism; I'm preparing myself for another blow.
It's good for me to be aware of these feeling on an analytical level because it helps me cope. I'm learning to give myself grace and to think a lot about how God uses suffering redemptively. This weekend I'm carrying around Joseph's story in my heart: the one from Genesis where Joseph gets sold into slavery by his brothers, suffers in Egypt, but then works his way up the ranks in Pharaoh's service and ends up saving those same brothers lives when, because of his high position, he is able to give them food during a famine and keep them from starving to death.
When Joseph finally confronts his brothers after all his years of suffering he could have been retributive, but instead he gives them amazing grace:
On to the post:
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I'm about halfway through my "two week wait," post IUI. I felt pretty great last week: moderately hopeful, happy, optimistic. John and I took Arie to visit my family in Ontario since it was Thanksgiving up there last weekend. We had a blast! Arie has been singing out lists of our family's names- grandparents, aunts, uncles- ever since. Last year we missed out on the Canadian Thanksgiving celebrations since we were in Moscow for our court date, so it was extra special to be together (ALL of us!) this year. Arie's first Thanksgiving.
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| My favorite capture :-) |
As I enter the second half of the two week wait, I'm not feeling depressed, per say, but definitely more pessimistic. I was talking to a friend who professionally works as a therapist about these feelings and she was all of course you are! After so many cycles of disappointment, it is just my body's natural defense mechanism; I'm preparing myself for another blow.
It's good for me to be aware of these feeling on an analytical level because it helps me cope. I'm learning to give myself grace and to think a lot about how God uses suffering redemptively. This weekend I'm carrying around Joseph's story in my heart: the one from Genesis where Joseph gets sold into slavery by his brothers, suffers in Egypt, but then works his way up the ranks in Pharaoh's service and ends up saving those same brothers lives when, because of his high position, he is able to give them food during a famine and keep them from starving to death.
When Joseph finally confronts his brothers after all his years of suffering he could have been retributive, but instead he gives them amazing grace:
It's that middle section that gets me: "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish... the saving of many lives."
Suffering and redemption.
I already see how God redeemed that first awful year of infertility with our adoption. Into our empty arms, God placed our son. Into our son's empty arms, God placed us. The saving of many lives.
He redeemed our emptiness in many others ways as well:
When our wallets were empty and we didn't know how we would cover the adoption costs, he provided a community of people to rally around us and donate every last penny of the expense.
When our hands were trembling with fear over the adoption freeze or as we anticipated travel for our court date, he provided the prayers of hundreds of saints to lift us up and carry us through.
And where we felt feel small and incapable, he has shown us what he can do when we simply say yes to what he has for us.
So yes I feel nervous and insecure about the pregnancy test that looms in my future, but I'm confident that God will redeem my anxieties. As my heart turns downward and those fearful emotions creep in, I'm turning my eyes upward and remembering that God will use this season in my life for good. Whatever the outcome.
xo
PS: We also took Arie to a sort of "Fall Festival" last weekend with our small group. I have to show you this series of photos from his experience with the barrel train ride:
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| "What a fun ride! I sit here and Papa walks beside!" |
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| "So Arie, when the tractor starts I'm going to let go and watch you from the sides okay?" |
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| "Nooooooooooooooooo!!!" |
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| "I hate you guys." |
He stared us down like that for the whole ride. We'll probably be talking about this in therapy someday. ;-)
Happy weekend.
Hey!! Remember!! NOOO lifting!!!!!!! My Dad is a RN and he says its really important for an expecting woman not to lift. DON'T life Arie!! I keep thinking of you. :) I keep checking in and hoping that this is a positive this time!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your thoughts!! I've heard that is mostly a myth- what reason does he give for not lifting?
DeleteI'll ask Dad when he comes over today, but when I was pregnant our landlord told me that after doing a day of lifting on the farm his wife miscarried at 5 mths... even though his children are grown and he is now deceased it seemed like it was a grief he still carried.
DeleteUnless you know you have a placenta issue, there's no issue with lifting your child, especially in the first trimester. Millions of women around the world have to wrangle multiple children daily and they aren't miscarrying right and left.
DeleteYou can lift your son. It's harmless, especially in your first trimester. As you get farther along, your DOCTOR can let you know your limitations.
ReplyDeleteI love the barrel ride. I think that is one of the most quintessentially Midwestern things I have ever seen!
ReplyDelete