10/5/13

Faith in the night time of my fear (thank you for holding the Christ light)

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If there was ever a reason for me to walk away from the Christian faith, it would be the Problem of Evil:

How can a God who is all-powerful, all-knowing and all-loving & good allow evil in the world?

This is a question that has kept me up at night. I have cried many tears over this question and truly lamented from the depths over it. I have also spent a lot of time in conversation about it, reading different answers to it, and trying to come to terms with it.

If you're either brave or perhaps foolish enough to ask this question publicly, you will get a lot of response. Some will say that God uses suffering for our good. Some will say that we shouldn't question God's plan. Some will say that we brought suffering on ourselves in the Garden (Genesis 3) and God allowed it because he didn't want us to be puppets, forced to obey.

Maybe these responses hint at the truth, but in my opinion, the real answer to the problem of evil is I don't know.

Personally, I've come to something like peace with the Problem of Evil by accepting that it's a paradox.

Yes I believe God is all powerful.
Yes I believe God is all loving.
Yes I believe that he has allowed evil in the world.

I just don't know why.

I used to get really nervous when people around me questioned God. Saying something like How could God allow this to happen? made me feel scared and guilty. I was the person trying to answer this unanswerable question by defending God.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I've come to a place where I don't feel the need to defend God anymore. When I or my loved ones are suffering and asking the big Why?, I'm okay with saying I don't know. 

This sucks and I don't know why it's happening. 

When I decided to blog my way through this infertility journey, I thought long and hard about it because I knew if I was going to share the journey, I was going to share it all. Hard parts included. I prayed about it because my ultimate goal in this whole blog- and in my life- is to bring God glory. And would I, I wondered, bring God glory even if I shared my raw, honest pain? Does it bring God glory for a Christian to write the words I feel hopeless?

I think yes. 

For one, I believe God is going to demonstrate his faithfulness in this journey. My current state of this sucks and I feel terrible doesn't undo anything. When I'm alone and asking God these questions about what to share, I always come away with the sense that God doesn't need me to defend him by making my story seem prettier or happier than it is. If I could sum up in one sentence what I do hear from God it would be: I've got this. So, I share. The blessing. The joy. The lament. The suffering. And all the conviction that happens along the way.

And, second, when I do share this amazing thing happens.

You guys show up.

I tell you I'm hurting.

You say I'm here. 

I cry.

You cry too.

I hurt.

You pray.

I received so many emails, facebook messages, texts and comments that I could not even reply to them all. Story after story. Miles of me too's. Verse after verse of God's promises for me- for all of us. And best of all: just, "I know there's nothing I can say, but I'm praying and I'm here."

I felt like you all were that great 70's "hymn" The Servant Song, come to life.

I will hold the Christ light for you 
In the night time of your fear 
I will hold my hand out to you; 
Speak the peace you long to hear. 

So, thank you. Thank you for your amazing words of encouragement. Thank you for sharing your stories. Thank you for hearing my pain and holding up that Christ life in the night time of my fear. Thank you for being open enough to hear hear the reality of my suffering. Thank you for the peace you've offered.

I don't know why people like me who have dreamed of carrying a child inside for their whole lives go into peri-menopause at age 27. I don't know why God would give me this unquenchable desire for pregnancy and then allow me to suffering years of infertility. I don't know why.

I don't know if he's going to grant me a pregnancy or not. I don't know if he's going to ease this burning desire in my heart. I don't know if he's going to heal whatever is broken inside of me. I don't know when he's going to take away my sadness and pain.

I don't know.

I do believe, though, that he's going to reveal his faithfulness. I believe he's showing me his love through you. And I don't believe this hard part is the end of my story.

Turning another page. Another cycle, another month, another try.

He's got this.

I believe.

xo

10 comments:

  1. I know it hurts... but we are in His hands! No matter what happens!

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  2. Everything you wrote here was so beautiful and true! Your recent post about faith in redemption was really, really encouraging to me and I 100% that God has a beautiful redemptive story for you guys. I really know it's hard along the way, but I'm believing for you!!

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    1. Thank you for believing for me! There are no good stories without trial or suffering, right? I look forward to seeing this pain redeemed in God's time.

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  3. Anonymous10/06/2013

    beautifully put! Thanks! Hang in there. I (and others) know how you feel. All your longings & emotions are intensified during fertility treatments. God chose not to give me a bio baby (at least not yet!) but He has shown me more of Himself--and that has been enough. Life will not always feel like this--blame it on the wacky hormones & yucky treatments! God does know what He's doing in our lives. Blessings, Crystal (crystal@jmhatchery.com)

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    1. Should I feel better or worse that all of these thoughts and feelings were fertility-drug free? *winks* I will remember these words once I start having side effects though! Ha! THank you for commenting and YES God knows what he is doing, without question! Thank God for that. Literally.

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  4. Wonderfully written and so what I needed to hear today. I'm currently asking a lot of "Why God" myself and it's so true that we just don't know why. And that's okay. I don't need to know why God is letting us go through another loss. I don't know why God has given me this desire for children and then makes the road so hard. I don't know why.

    Thank you for sharing your heart, the good and the bad. I am praying for you, that your desire will be fulfilled and you will get to experience the joy of pregnancy.

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  5. Anonymous10/06/2013

    I believe that God chose me as an infertile so that I'd humble myself before Him. So many times I used my Type A personality to boast "I can do this myself". He brought me to my knees before he gave me my baby. And all those times I pleaded with him are still raw. Sometimes He draws us closer through the "whys". I am sending you a warm, Southern hug!

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  6. We have gone through infertility and recently had a big bump in the road on our journey to adopt from China, so I totally understand this post. Very well written, thanks for blogging about it!

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  7. I have often prayed that God's glory would be revealed by the miracle of a pregnancy for us....but as the months (and years) have gone by, I have learned that God's glory is also revealed in the ache of my empty arms - many friends, colleagues etc have said "I don't know how you do it" or some variation of the sort. I tell them that I'm not doing it, that God is carrying me through it....it doesn't make it suck any less - but it makes life manageable.....and speaks to how he is present in our lives.

    As for the whole evil/infertility thing, your post reminded me of one I wrote a few years back..... http://rheadeja.blogspot.ca/2010/06/evil-thoughts.html

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