9/24/13

When hoping for a baby is not enough

Infertility treatment is often described as a roller coaster. There are a lot of ups and downs. The downs go by many different names: anxiety, fear, frustration, anger, sadness, guilt, devastation... but the ups, the ups go by one name:

Hope.


Hope can be a scary thing. Hope makes us vulnerable. In our vulnerability we say things like, "I don't want to get my hopes up" because we know just how painful the fall will be if our hopes are dashed.

I've been thinking a lot about hope lately.

I hope I get a positive test.
I hope this cycle will be the one.
I hope we get answers at our next appointment.
I hope the treatment works.
I hope we can afford this.
I hope I will be pregnant... someday. Soon.

I hope.

It's good to hope and it's good to be vulnerable because both those things make us fully alive, but I need something more. "Believing it will happen" is not enough for me because sometimes it doesn't happen. "Trusting God" can't be trusting that he will grant me a pregnancy because what if he doesn't? I need something more. I need something I can set my hopes on, without the threat the failure.

I knew the answer was somewhere in Jesus, but I as I tried to work through my questions, I could not figure out exactly how. As is so often the case, the answer I needed came from a verse I had read many times before but had not yet worked its way into my heart:

Hebrews 10:23, " Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

I read the verse late at night, taking in a quick devotion on my iphone. There, in black letters on a glowing screen were the words my heart needed to badly to hear. "Hold unswervingly to the hope we profess."

To the hope we profess. What is the hope I profess? Not that I will get that positive pregnancy test. Not that I will know the joy of new life inside. Not that I will join the song of millions of women before me as I groan and bring a child into the world. Not that I will hold my baby tight and warm, skin to skin. Oh how I long for those things, but they are not the hope I profess.

The hope I profess is one thing:

Redemption.

Unswervingly, I hold to my redemption in Christ and now, as I look into the face of doctors, pills, injections, and the prospect of more white spaces on the pregnancy tests where I wish with my whole being that a pink line would appear.... now in the face of my infertility I hold unswervingly to the hope that God will redeem these days.

Just as God is redeeming the days my son and I lost as he waited, alone, in an orphanage...

... so too I trust that God will redeem the fear, the pain, and the longing I presently know too well.
God works in redemption, repayment, and restoration. In his time and in his way, I know he will redeem this experience because he is faithful. 


That is the good, greater, guaranteed hope to which I cling in the middle of my uncertain hopes for pregnancy. Some days I do feel hopeful about our treatment and getting pregnant. Other days, the hope that God will redeem my pain somehow is the only hope I have. It doesn't take away the longing, but somehow... it's enough. 

He who promised is faithful. 

xo

9 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. Thanks for sharing! Having hope is wonderful, but it is also risky. I find that I avoid being hopeful sometimes because I don't want to face the disappointment. I love that you are clinging to hope through this process, and your thoughts on redemption were very encouraging to me as I walk out my faith. I pray that you won't have to wait much longer!! :)

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  2. You found your way to the same verse that was ,and is, my strength.

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  3. After the year I've had being eaten by locusts, it is so affirming to be reminded of God's promises to us. Thank you Jill for posting this.

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  4. I stumbled upon your blog this week after you linked up with No Greater Joy Mom. I have been walking the road of secondary infertility and miscarriage for four years now, and right before I read your post, these same thoughts were on my heart. We don't know how our story will turn out, but we want our hope to be in Christ, who never changes and is always faithful, no matter what happens. I'm so grateful that He redeems our hurts. Thank you for sharing, and reminding me we're not alone in this journey.

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  5. Exactly. I have to hope that I will not be lost, that I will embrace my life, that my destiny will not be compromised, that I will love, that I will live as a person with something to give...but I cannot tie my hope to having a baby. God doesn't owe me a baby. He never promised me that. If he gave me a child, it would be the most incredible gift, but he doesn't owe it to me. It feels somehow wrong to not be clinging to faith for a baby, but recently, I've very much been experiencing a shift.

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  6. Anonymous9/27/2013

    One thing that worked for me was acupuncture. I cannot attest to its ability to "cure" the infertility, but it relaxed me better than anything. We had to try IVF and it worked on the first round. Our journey was long and emotional, but it changed our lives forever. I know so much more now about my faith. My baby girl was worth every fertility shot!

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  7. REST sweet daughter of the Most High God!! REST in His promises!! REST in His love!! REST in His victory!! Remember He knows the desires of your heart!! And whenever doubt or worry or fear try to take hold, you remind your spirit that 'He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children'!! The most powerful thing you can do is to rest your spirit in Him because He is faithful!! Amen!!

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  8. amazing post full of encouragement and all:)
    nominated you for the versatile blogger award: http://music-andlittlemoments.blogspot.sg/2013/09/blog-award.html
    keep encouraging other and sharing the <3!
    xoxo

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  9. Oh, thank you for this. I struggle through many of these same thoughts. We adopted 2 precious boys from Russia, love them to pieces, but still struggle with infertility and my "hope" to experience pregnancy.

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