As John and I were finishing up our preliminary fertility appointment with Dr. Colbert a few weeks ago, he re-capped the list of test and procedures I was to have done on my next cycle and then said, "But who knows? Maybe you'll get pregnant this month and say, 'Nice to meet you Dr. Colbert. See ya!'"
I tried like so super hard to not get my hopes up, but I thought about his words basically everyday. The last minute surprise! The can you even believe it?! The TAKE THAT weird probing ultrasound wand! SEE YA!
Arg.
It was not meant to be.
So I cried and called John at work and told him all about how unfair this whole thing is and got upset about how I've already had my life pried open and scrutinized via my immigration experience and our adoption process. Not to mention the fact that I have also been fully examined- body, x-ray, and blood- by both the American and Russian governments in each of those respective processes.
Is nothing sacred?
For once I would like to go through a major life event with some semblance of privacy, internet readers!
After my cry and rant I made my peace and called up Dr. Colbert to make my appointments.
I don't know if you guys follow Glennon Doyle Melton over at Momastery, but she wrote this book which I devoured in the spring and I keep thinking about this one phrase she writes over and over again:
I can do hard things.
I can. I'm a little nervous. Being brave about the what ifs of infertility is a little scary and a lot hard, but I can do hard things.
I also keep thinking about that often repeated verse from Philippians 4: "I can do all things through him who gives me strength."
As a child that verse used to make me wonder if I could life an ENTIRE YELLOW SCHOOL BUS by myself if God was with me. That thought now makes me laugh because it is obviously ridiculous but also because it shows how immature I was both in thought and wisdom. My interpretation used to be:
"I can do whatever I put my mind to, with God by my side."
Today I'm thinking it's something more like:
"Only through the strength God provides will I make it through this storm."
So.
Welcome September with your hard things. I can do this month and whatever it brings, in Christ.
Getting my hopes up, once again.
xo
I tried like so super hard to not get my hopes up, but I thought about his words basically everyday. The last minute surprise! The can you even believe it?! The TAKE THAT weird probing ultrasound wand! SEE YA!
Arg.
It was not meant to be.
So I cried and called John at work and told him all about how unfair this whole thing is and got upset about how I've already had my life pried open and scrutinized via my immigration experience and our adoption process. Not to mention the fact that I have also been fully examined- body, x-ray, and blood- by both the American and Russian governments in each of those respective processes.
Is nothing sacred?
For once I would like to go through a major life event with some semblance of privacy, internet readers!
 |
| Privacy. It ain't what it used to be. (source) |
I don't know if you guys follow Glennon Doyle Melton over at Momastery, but she wrote this book which I devoured in the spring and I keep thinking about this one phrase she writes over and over again:
I can do hard things.
I can. I'm a little nervous. Being brave about the what ifs of infertility is a little scary and a lot hard, but I can do hard things.
I also keep thinking about that often repeated verse from Philippians 4: "I can do all things through him who gives me strength."
As a child that verse used to make me wonder if I could life an ENTIRE YELLOW SCHOOL BUS by myself if God was with me. That thought now makes me laugh because it is obviously ridiculous but also because it shows how immature I was both in thought and wisdom. My interpretation used to be:
"I can do whatever I put my mind to, with God by my side."
Today I'm thinking it's something more like:
"Only through the strength God provides will I make it through this storm."
So.
Welcome September with your hard things. I can do this month and whatever it brings, in Christ.
Getting my hopes up, once again.
xo
I'm sorry that this whole process can't be easier. Sending you good thoughts and strength for your upcoming appointments. You can do this because you are an incredibly strong woman.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the thoughts and strength! Keep em coming! :-)
DeleteHey, Jill...Thinking of you as I re-live this process through your blog. I say, stare it in the face, and say with all your might "Bring. It. On."...and mean it. Grab ahold of this experience and don't let the hard take you down. Don't let the devil in for one second and let you think that God is not in control. God already knows what September will bring to you, and October, and November, and the holidays with good news or not-so-good news. He already knows, and He already knows that it is what is best for you and John and Arie. I know how badly you want this. I know that it is an ache that is indescribable, so you have to own it and walk confidently in your hope and trust in the Lord...and no matter what the outcome, know that you walked this journey and never hesitated or looked back. You are going to rock this out no matter what. Huge hugs to you, Jill.
ReplyDeleteI just want to fist pump and AMEN to this!
DeleteSpeaking from experience, those first initial visits are the worst...not the shock of what ACTUALLY has to happen, but the total surrender of everything private and sacred. Things I still hadn't gotten quite comfortable discussing with my husband yet without using code, I was having to recount for my doctor in excrusiating detail. One up side though, because I had to give them all my secrets, the least they could do was give me their support! There were months that the small amount of hope I had was thanks to our amazing RE and his band of fantastic nurses, cheering me on every month.
ReplyDeleteWe did treatments first before we had moved to adoption (waiting process now!) And part of my grieving process was not having the monthly pep talk from my medical team...you'd be surprise how much you get by having to give up that sacred possesion of privacy.
Yay adoption!! Thank you for your words of encouragement! I also love how encouraging they are at the office. I hope you find your new support system in your new journey!
DeleteSpeaking from experience, those first initial visits are the worst...not the shock of what ACTUALLY has to happen, but the total surrender of everything private and sacred. Things I still hadn't gotten quite comfortable discussing with my husband yet without using code, I was having to recount for my doctor in excrusiating detail. One up side though, because I had to give them all my secrets, the least they could do was give me their support! There were months that the small amount of hope I had was thanks to our amazing RE and his band of fantastic nurses, cheering me on every month.
ReplyDeleteWe did treatments first before we had moved to adoption (waiting process now!) And part of my grieving process was not having the monthly pep talk from my medical team...you'd be surprise how much you get by having to give up that sacred possesion of privacy.
I love and appreciate that you are blogging about this somewhat taboo subject in such detail. I'm sure infertility treatments and tests can be scary, but you are helping educate all of us in what this process is really like. I appreciate that because I too might one day travel the same road. I pray all goes well for you in September! You can do hard things!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI had the same hope that I would be that story, calling up the fertility office to cancel my first appointment with the news I was pregnant. Nope. The cycle of new hope and disappointment continues every month while the doctors appointments and procedures stack up. I can do hard things... and so can you. May September bring you new answers and restored hope.
ReplyDeleteEmpowers me to hear that you are going this. Thank you!
DeleteYou are incredibly brave, Jill - thank you for sharing so honestly and so vulnerably. So many others are on this journey alongside you and praying, wishing, hoping, crying, and Lord willing, celebrating :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Jen!
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ReplyDeleteIf you have not read the book "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist, you should! She has a whole section in that book about what is is to be someone who "cries in the bathroom." I was so encouraged by how she just "got it-" what it feels like to continually cycle through hope and disappointment with uncertainty and doubt shadowing the way. From one who knows what it is to cry in the bathroom, and in the car, and in front of Facebook (aka the land of pregnancy announcements)- I wish you joy and peace this month- in the midst of it all. :)
ReplyDeleteMake sure you have a great group of nurses and Dr. as a RE as it makes all the difference! We followed with our gyno first and got nowhere with infertility stuff other than keep trying though we knew I wasn't ovulating so the chance was not there but they kept saying oh it might happen, disappointment after disappointment! We finally splurged into the RE and my husband and mostly I went through all the exams and blood work and such and finally got answers but also support. When in cycles you'll be in close contact with nurses who will know you by name and your specific case. They were my cheerleaders and honestly biggest supporters. When we found out I miscarried at an ultrasound over a year ago it was one of the nurses that held my hand and cried with me. After another year of infertility treatments we are now just shy of 9 weeks pregnant and not shouting off the rooftop with our news yet however we know without our supportive team of nurses and our Dr. we never would have had the courage to go for two years of infertility treatments and monitoring. They kept our spirits high and reminded us often that all we can do is pray and if it's His will it'll be! Just know it may be a long rough road or a short easy road but just know it'll be worth it in the end because you CAN do hard stuff!
ReplyDeleteOh Jill. My heart aches for you. I will say the waiting and wondering is the worst, which is what made the HSG so wonderful- instant gratification of knowledge. It wasn't the news we wanted (I have a blocked tube) but it was nice to have an answer RIGHT THEN!
ReplyDeleteAnd the best thing about Dr. Colbert's entire team is how encouraging they are. I had no response to Clomid on my first cycle, and instead of letting me get down they had me put my pants back on and immediately went to a conference room to come up with a plan of attack to try and salvage the cycle. We'll see if it worked!
Peace and blessings to you on this journey!