Attachment so far

There's a word in my mind that's stuck beside the eight letters of adoption: attachment.  Adoptionattachment. In the international adoption/foster care/older child adoption worlds it's a ubiquitous word. It's a word that carries with it thousands of articles and hundreds of lectures and weighty parental concerns and yes, a few horror stories. 

When we talk about attachment in the adoption world we're talking about that important bond between caregiver and child. The bond that sets the stage for all the child's future relationships. And actually, for the child's future understanding of God. Strong early attachments lead to healthy relationships with others and with God. You'll probably remember from your high school or college psychology class that an infant's first major psychosocial task in life is to determine whether or not she can trust the world around her.  Can she trust that when she's hungry she'll be fed? When she's scared she'll be comforted? When she's wet she'll be changed? When she's cold she'll be warmed?

After this "trust vs. mistrust" stage, she moves onto the task of toddlerhood where she learns to do things herself: autonomy. Think of a toddler who's favorite phrases are, "No!" and "I do it myself!"

When a child in an orphanage receives sub-standard care he or she answers that first question (Can I trust the world around me?) with no instead of yes, he or she moves on to autonomy out of necessity or even survival instinct rather than out of a sense of security or self-confidence. This is a detrimental psychosocial move because the child needs to learn trust in order to form future healthy relationships.

In very simplified terms, a child who learns trust and then autonomy will be able to function in future relationships with empathy, genuine love and concern for the other person as well as a healthy respect for self in that relationship. A child who learns mistrust and then self-reliance will be prone to use future relationships pragmatically- for what he or she can get out of it without much thought for the other.  This makes sense if you consider the fact that the child learned to manipulate the world around her just for survival. Again, this is over-simplified but I just want to give you a picture of why attachment is so important.

More and more the research is showing that there is always hope children who received sub-standard care. As a Christian I have to believe that with God, all things are possible, even in the most dire circumstances. So if you are reading this do not let it scare you away from toddler or older child adoption!

When we started our journey to Arie we had no idea what his orphanage was like. We knew God was calling us to pursue his adoption so we worked hard to prepare ourselves to welcome him into our family no matter what attachment issues he had. We read, read, read, talked to our social worker, and watched a couple documentaries dealing with the subject of attachment.

We feel so immensely grateful to God that our precious son spent the first two+ years of his life in a very loving orphanage. It was obvious to us that the staff care so deeply for the children. The children were provided with lots of opportunity for stimulation like music classes, outdoor play, and even weekly speech therapy sessions. Still, even the best orphanages cannot provide the care of a family. Staff shift changes and turnover, high child-to-caregiver ratios, and just the systematic structuring of daily life meant that while Arie was loved and cared for, he still needed to learn and know the unconditional love and care that can only come from Mama and Papa. I will never forget one night of the first nights home Arie was crying in bed- not wanting to sleep- and started to wail loudly like only toddlers can do. We always stayed (still do) in the bedroom with him until he was falling asleep so I was right there by his side, telling him sssshhhhhh. I expected he would continue to wail for a while and slowly settle down with my comfort, but instead he immediately cupped his hand over his mouth and sobbed almost silently as tears poured down his face. A reaction, I'm sure, to previous demands by his nannies for silence as he cried in a room full of other sleeping children. It broke my heart. A two-year-old should be allowed to cry for comfort.

Before we brought him home I posted about our attachment plan. We read that adoptive parents should stick to an intensive form of attachment parenting for at least one month for every year the child received sub-standard care. For us, that meant 2.5 months. We are almost done and I will tell you it was worth every second. Arie's attachment to us is growing stronger by the day!

I also have to say that we needed a lot of heavenly grace during the last two months. For patience and for figuring out exactly how gentle or stern to be with our little man.  And even more to calm those are we doing the right thing fears that came up when John's dad was dying.  John had to leave us for a week before his dad died and then we welcomed his mom and sister into our home for another week. Neither of these are "ideal" attachment scenarios, but God gave us overwhelming peace to assure us that we were making the right decisions and that he would protect Arie's precious little heart from these disruptions.

Arie now cries (loudly- might I add) when he's upset in bed. Where he used to dust himself off or even laugh when he fell he now runs to me with every bump and "boo-boo." It is obvious to us that he had good attachments to his caregivers at the orphanage because he has been able to transfer those attachments to us smoothly.  He looks for us when we're out of sight.  When he was in the ER the other night with croup he blessed me so deeply by crying out, "Mama!" for comfort.

After a toddler adoption the work of attachment is never done.  Through various stages of his life, Arie will deal with different questions and issues regarding his adoption but right now on this day we are feeling so thankful and blessed by our attachment process. Ultimately as his parents we can show him love, kindness, and tenderness but it is only our Heavenly Father who knows those walls in our little mans heart that need to be broken down and repaired. We continue to pray for God's grace and wisdom as we walk down this attachment journey, especially as we enter the next phase of socializing beyond our families.  

As we see Arie's attachment to us grow stronger and stronger we are feeling more and more comfortable exposing him to events and activities outside our home.This week we took him to a bouncy-house emporium (I made that up, but I don't know what to call it. A big converted warehouse filled with bouncy castles and slides.) and a local Children's Museum. This is where the hard work of attachment pays off and the fun part of family begins! The bouncy emporium was not camera-friendly due to all the... well, bouncing, but our Museum soundtrack was giggles and click click click.

Doing it wrong.

There we go.

The bubbles were Arie's favorite part. He now refers to the entire museum as "bubbles."

We left a lot soapier than we came.

Waited a long time for a turn on this human sized bubble maker.
Arie (I) really wanted to try it. ;-)

It's all fun and games until someone knocks over your dominoes.

I know many of my readers are in the adoption process or praying about a future adoption. When it comes to all the attachment literature you're reading and/or worries you're having, I pray God guides you with much wisdom and clarity. Above all, set your eyes on the beautiful promise given to us in Proverbs 3:5:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. 
In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. 

xo