We're going. We're really going to meet our son. It's happening. It's really happening. The last week of July is the first week of the rest of my life.
People keep asking me if I'm nervous. Normally when it comes to nerves I'm a total Nelly, but strangely, the nerves haven't hit me yet.
Maybe it's because I've been so busy booking our flight, choosing our accommodations, and making trips to Target to purchase travel size everything, that I haven't quite had time to feel nervous about meeting him. Or apprehensive about the long flights. Or concerned about how I'm going to handle my first trip overseas.
Or maybe it's that peace that passes understanding at play.
The Holy Spirit displays his work so brilliantly in our weaknesses, doesn't he? I've struggled all my life with anxiety. I've wondered for a long time why God made me this way. Why I, as a girl, could feel my blood running cold as the bus pulled up on every first day of school. Why I lay awake in bed before every class speech. Or why I never had even half the courage it would take to go to camp for a week; I could barely hold myself together enough to attend Vacation Bible School at my own church.
Why couldn't God make me carefree like the rest of my friends? Why did I have to battle this demon?
His answer of course, is in his sovereignty. In his perfect plan for all things.
Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use? Romans 9:20-21
Out of my nerves and my fear rises and shines and Holy Spirit's power. Every courageous step I take forward is an act of his gracious provision, his provision of ability, of confidence, and of peace.
From a girl whose voice shook and raced through every memorized word of a three minute speech called, "My Grandparents," he has called out a woman who was able to learn from, grow in, and even enjoy, not one but three college and graduate level public speaking classes. From a girl whose throat got tight and palms sweaty just getting out of the car for a three hour church camp, he called out a young woman who had the courage to follow his lead away from home to a new country and though an exhausting immigration process.
Now from a woman who still gets nervous just crossing the US/Canada border on trips "back home," he's calling forth the courage to fly across the ocean, to deal with governments in another language, to figure out every detail from travel, to food, to sleep, and to eventually face a 12 hour flight and 17 hours of travel time with a two-year-old. And a confused, non-English speaking two-year-old at that.
When first John and I considered the call to international adoption, the worry of bureaucracy, and travel, and what-if-I-get-sick-because-I-drank-the-water-in-another-country overwhelmed me (okay I'm still worried about that last one). We made the decision inspite of the fear. And shortly thereafter I went on a retreat and heard a woman talk about what it was like to watch her husband die of cancer. She said she didn't know what it would be like to watch him get sick, to see him die, to become a widow, to watch her adult children loose their father. She didn't know what life looked like where she was going. But she did know one thing:
The grace of God would meet her there.
I cling to that promise. It will take three trips to bring our son home; God has a purpose for each of them. Maybe it's a common purpose. Maybe it's a special purpose. I'm certain it's got something to do with a God-be-glorified purpose.
The Spirit works brilliantly in our weaknesses. In my weakness, he is strong. In my anxiety, he gives me confidence because I know that at the airports, in the plane, in the orphanage, in the courtroom, in the hotel room, and when we get off that plane at the end of it all and drive home as a family- together at last- his grace is going to meet me there.
Wherever you are going, this promise is for you: his grace will meet you there.
One of my posts has been featured again on We are Grafted In, a creative and inspiring blog that compiles posts from all different kinds of adoptive parents. Check it out here.
Tomorrow is the last day of my DeVries Family Adoption Fundraiser. Make a purchase from my etsy shop, mention the DeVries Family and 40% of your purchase will go toward bringing their little one home!
Savoring the grace and the peace,