Yesterday - mother's day while waiting to adopt

Yesterday I experienced my first Mother's day, expecting.

That is, my first Mother's Day as an expectant mama.

It was so much better than I expected:

I wake up to breakfast in bed with french toast, eggs, and bacon cooked until it's a little burned- just the way I like it- all set on on a tray and placed on my lap by my amazing husband who makes me believe that I'm already a mom even though my belly's not big and I can't feel our son's kicks from the inside.  He hands me a gift wrapped in newspaper because he swore we had a role of wrapping paper at home (but we didn't).  There's a pink card on the top labeled "mama bear" because he knows I'd already fight to the end for out little one.


The card says that he sometimes wonders how we make it until he realizes that I'm the one holding our family together.  I wonder if he knows I think the same thing about him. 

Inside the box is the pair of TOMS shoes I've had my eye on for a while.  They say "TOMS loves Moms" on them in white, but the "love" is a heart instead of a word.  I love them.  I wonder if the kid whose getting the other pair of the "one to one" has a mom.  If she doesn't, I hope her new shoes give her a little bit of mothering care.

I open up youtube and search for song about God's mercy by Tim Be Told and instead I stumbled upon another song by the same band, but this one's a lament.  God knows what I need this morning, I think.  I cry listening to it.  I sing along the second time. "The wicked and wayward continue to thrive / the martyrs continue giving their lives..." I think about how I just wrote something like that in a recent blog post.  I don't believe in coincidences. Then I put the song on repeat while I get ready.

I marvel at the grace of our God who in his infinite wisdom opens himself up to have small, nearsighted humans shake their fists at his plan and be angry with him.  I find myself experiencing joy in the midst of my lament.  I am thankful for his loving kindness. 

When I'm ready, I sit on our front steps and John takes a picture of me in my new mom shoes to show our son someday.  I hope this is the last mother's day without him.


I get a text from Emily- who you might remember as Gus' mom from this post.  She wishes me a happy Mother's Day and tells me that I'm already a mom and asks me to enjoy the day.  I think I already am.

At church a lot of women look at me with kind eyes and wish me a happy Mother's Day.   John isn't preaching so he sits beside me with his arm around me for the whole service.  The pastor prayers the perfect Mother's Day prayer and remembers to pray for those who want so badly to be mothers but haven't been given that gift quite yet.  After the service my friend Julie's five-year-old daughter Kya runs through the hallway from her Sunday School class right into my arms.  She gives me the Mother's Day hug only a kid can give.  She holds onto my hand until we have to leave.

I check our church mailbox before we head out and find a note; it says there's a gift for me in the conference room.  John grabs it. I open it in the car.  It's a ceramic sparrow with a note around it's neck, "His eye is on the sparrow... and he watches over you (and your little one)!"  On the back our friend Sara says she's praying for me today.  I think I will keep this sparrow forever.  

John and I drive out to his parents' place for the afternoon.  They just got back from a winter in Arizona so we bring lunch with us.  Ciabatta bread, capicola ham, black bean soup, olives, pasta salad, and some amazing flourless cake found on pinterest which I made dairy free for my enjoyment.  (Thank you Sherwyn for your inspiration!)

Recommended in small doses so as to avoid sugar coma.   Yum.

My mother-in-law tells me she has a feeling that our first trip to Russia is right around the corner.  She's one of those pray-ers who seems to have a special connection to God so I'm feeling hopeful that she's right.  

We drive straight from my in-laws to our dear friends Kristin and Dominic's place, where we spend every Sunday night.  Dominic's been working all afternoon in the kitchen making vegan crack cheese dip and chocolate cake.  I start to cry when he tells me it's because they want to make my first Mother's Day special.  I fan myself with my hand and say, "Pull it together Jill!"  Kristin tells me I can pull it together or fall apart- whatever I prefer.  You can see why these are the kind of people we'd want to spend every Sunday night with.

We drink wine and beer and eat the cheese dip.  They live 3/4 of a mile from Lake Michigan so we go to watch the sun set.  Kristin lends me her coat.  I secretly want to keep it.

Their dog Bruce poops on the beach but we forgot a bag.  He's never done that before. Whoops.  Dominic tries to hold Bruce back from the water so he won't get wet and sandy.  Kristin says relax it's way too cold for him to swim.  It's not; Bruce goes swimming and gets all wet and sandy.   John and I laugh through this whole ordeal.



The sunset is beautiful. 

Once the sun's down it's too cold to stand on the beach so we go back.  More beer.  More wine.  Chocolate cake.  Love and laughter.  Little bit of wet dog smell in the background.

When we leave they wish me a happy Mother's Day one more time.  I'm in bed at 11:50pm and I thank God for the day.  I think I am blessed.  And I think that our little guy is probably up for the day in Russia.  I hope he is blessed today, too.


As mentioned in a previous post, I'm participating in a fundraiser for the Sparrow Fund via my etsy shop.  Check out this blog post over at My Overthinking to see my shop being featured (and lots of other cute birdy things!). 

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